I'd never been so excited to go on campus for a test before. Prolly because I haven't been on campus for over a year, let alone for a class I truly enjoy. And while I'm at it, Cypress Campus was just lovely. The Fine Arts building was four stories tall and I had fun just walking the floors. In one room I saw a woman working on a statue, and another I listened in on a vocal jazz ensemble while the corridors were filled with architect students sketching things out.
I spent most of my day in the library as it was just lovely there. Plenty of corrals to plug things into, and lots of big poofy chairs to plop down into with a good book. I made use of both. XD
Now, I'm determined to get an amazing grade, not like it's hard. But I just adore my teacher from the messages she posts in our online discussions, and I wanted to make a good impression. However, I don't study. I feel that anytime I've tried in the past, it psyched me out and I bombed the exams. My idea is, pay attention throughout the course, and when it comes to the test, you should already know the material. So the only studying I did was listening to the arias over and over (big chore there, I know). However, I did worry slightly over whether I would remember the dates of the composers, and all those tiny details that should be on a midterm worth 300 points.
If only I'd known, I could have saved myself all the worry. Only 50 multiple choice questions, 20 of which went to the listening portion. We no longer had to list the composer, opera, song title, characters, voice classification, and what was taking place on stage. Now we only had to name the opera, composer, and song title from the m.c. questions. And all of the rest? Just the most base definitions, no timelines, details.
All our teacher wanted to do was feed us cookies (I had two :D) and talk about opera and how she became a music major and came to teach there. She's beyond adorable.
She gave us an example of what she wants us to get from the class: I want you to one day be driving along with people in the car, skipping radio stations. And to pause on the classical channel, KMozart or something, and be able to say, "Hey, I know this selection. It's blah blah blah blah." And to have your passenger sigh and reply, "That's culture." (Told you, adorable)
I realized how much I adore being on a college campus, spending my whole day there, sitting in on lectures...just feeling as though my day is worth something. That I'm bettering myself and my mind. And I enjoy my music classes more than any others, the best part is the music history. I love learning about it, hearing all the little juicy back stories.
I'm so excited to map out my next semester. They actually have a music composition class at Cypress. And I only need 9 more music credits and a couple more GEs and I can transfer out. So close!! Getting somewhere in my schooling is my ticket to making myself better, healing my mind.
I've never done that. I've always sat around waiting for some man to come along and fix my pain. And then when he couldn't or didn't want to, I threw a big fit, and then waited for the next to come around. It's time to grow up. My immaturity and bad habits ruined the best thing in my life. And if I ever want that back...I need to do some major work on myself.
Focusing on work and school is the first step. No more quitting just because I feel like it. It's time to stick my ground and do what's right. Whether I want to sleep in, or skip off to hang out with someone instead. No more.
Tomorrow is my next step. Therapy/counseling never fixed any of my issues. Talking to a wall does nothing. Hopefully tomorrow after my appointment, I'll join the ranks of the few, the proud, the medicated. (I'm so proud of that lil joke, you have NO idea) I've never been able to control my moods or emotions. I need to reach stasis for once. And learn to let the petty things go. To just be myself, without getting so anxious I'll mess up, I get so focused on being perfect or that I'll be too much that I freak out and mess things up anyway.
I've reached the all-time rock bottom in my life. And I need to fix this mess. For myself this time. I miss him terribly. Here's to a year of celibacy and focusing solely on myself and my education. I hope the gamble works. If not, at least i'll have a blank slate. I just really hope no one pushes me into anything. I really just feel I need to be alone. I don't want anyone else. I need to work on me, he needs to work on himself. That was our deal. I'm sick of treating everything like it's replaceable and doesn't matter. It's stupid and childish. It's time to be serious. I'm not 17 anymore, there are consequences to dropping out of school, dropping friends like flies because they'll be there when I feel like being a friend again.
It's childish to get so self-obsorbed and upset I stop eating or sleeping and start fainting all over the place. (I'm still working on that :/) I need to be healthy and centered. I don't want to be a zombie or a wet blanket anymore. I used to be funny, witty, present. So wish me luck. I'm so nervous about my appointment tomorrow. Gah! At least I can count on my grades right now.
