Need to remove things from my mind so I can think again

I've been holding on to so much anger lately, and I need to vent and let it all out. It's unhealthy. And so I need to disassociate from those things for now, get as much space as possible. My environment and those whom I associate with affect my sanity far too much. And when things become too toxic to bear, I have to let go.

I've tried for so long to swallow my thoughts and feelings to try and preserve a relationship with my father throughout this divorce. But he makes it so hard and I'm just so angry now I can't even begin to be truly articulate right now. I just want to HULK SMASH all over my keyboard.

I truly believe that divorces are harder on adult children than younger. Mainly because I think they're handled differently. When children are young, they don't fully understand what's going on, and the parents generally try to shield them from most of the drama of what's going on.

But as an adult child of divorce, and as the child who discovered the nude pictures and horrible texts of my dad's affair...I knew exactly what was going on. And because you usually know what's going on, and because you are able to form an opinion with some weight behind it now, 1 or more of your parents tries to make you side with them. And then you're torn, well I hate what's happening, I disagree with what they're doing, but if I don't pretend to at least be neutral, will I lose that parent?

Granted, I always thought my parents were toxic for each other and should get a divorce. But fidelity is a very strongly held belief for me. The cheating kills me. And it killed my mom. Every boyfriend I've had has cheated on me. So it hit further home than it really should have. The only way it was a blessing is that it finally gave my mom and I a real bond where we shared our emotions for once and started to really talk.

The problem, is that to this day, my father still believes he's done nothing wrong. He keeps rationalizing everything away, so that he is in the right, and my mom is horrible. "There's no good or perfect way to go about divorce!" Just because you want a divorce, it doesn't mean that adultery is the way to get what you want. Exert some sort of self-control. And then he furthers it by telling me to honor my father and mother. Don't tout one commandment close to your heart and throw it in my face constantly when you ignore so many others. Thou shalt not covet? Not commit adultery? Not lie? Oh and I'm an atheist. So don't guilt me into subservience. You have to earn my respect before I'll ever show you any.

The further along this divorce goes, I respect my Grandma Sugars more and more. And my mother as well for how much she has grown and changed and tried to emulate my grandmother on how to interact with us. She tries to be there for us and leave her personal feelings behind. She does her best to not talk about my dad in a negative light. And we both know she's not perfect, but she tries so hard. And I can see it.

Every single conversation I have with my dad, he won't let up. Just constant barbs on how my mom is a horrible person, she ruined his life, she's toxic, incapable of love. And I tell him over and over to stop it. That if he won't stop, I won't talk to him. If I say I'm having a bad day online, he texts me asking if my mom is being a bitch again. And it drives me crazy. How can you drag your children into this? And if I dare to side with my mom on anything or say he's wrong, he'll cut me off for a few weeks. These mind games need to stop.

I thought the final straw was a few weeks ago. He went off on how he wants to put my brother in a home. And it broke my heart. And made me wonder if that was the real reason why my brother never wants to talk to him anymore or go visit him. My father even looked up places in California and Washington. My brother may be regressing, but it's because his world was taken from him. And he's lonely. So all the work we put into making him social, is going away. He doesn't know how to handle it and so he retreats to his video games and his room. That doesn't mean you shut him away in a home! That's the worst thing for him. He needs to be brought out of his, have more time spent with him doing fun things. If you put him away, take him from everyone and everything he loves, will kill him. It's just telling him that no one loves or wants him.

But that's my dad. If there's a problem, you don't deal with or fix it. You yell at everyone, blame everyone but yourself, and then hide from it.

So yeah, I take my handicapped brother out late at night to hookah bars and parks to play Hot Lava Monster. Not everyone thinks it's best. But I don't think hookah is killing him. He likes it, even says he likes how it calms him down and makes it easier to sleep at night. It's not illegal, he's over 18. And guess what, it makes him feel like an adult. He gets to hang out with big sis and her friends doing grown up things. It's everything he wants. And at the hookah bars, he can be loud, shout at the sports games with the other guys, sing to the music, or dance around, everyone's loud. He's not told to be quiet, sit in the corner, stop being so noticeable. And whenever I take him out, it's noticeable for a few days. He's happier, gets along better, actually does his chores.

And so after that, I told my dad that if he was only going to talk badly about my mother or how he wants to send my brother to a home, that he needed to not talk to me. And of course, I got cussed out over it. You'd think that'd be a slap in the face of hey, you're doing something wrong, fix it or you'll lose her. Nope, I'm the one who's being too serious, the one with the problem.

And then I just keep finding out more things. And what hurt the most, was I was always told growing up that I had to quit piano, baseball, dance, everything; because we had to pay for my sister's voice lessons. And that she was more important, she had the talent, and I wasn't going to get far in that area. Just get good grades and be a doctor. My sister and I were hired to sing for a reception. We were to both have solos and a few duets. My dad told me I could only have one duet with my sister, and that I couldn't have any solos because I would mess up. It still hurts me so badly.

Funnily enough, that day, I didn't make a single mistake, while my sister (whom I love to distraction) had to restart a song 4 times as she had forgotten the words.

But all of that made me resent my sister for years. We were constantly pitted against one another, and I felt so overshadowed and like I wasn't given a chance. Anytime I wanted anything, I was forced to quit to pay for her success. It was until I was 21 that we discussed everything and realized it was our doing, and that we truly loved and supported each other and our respective talents. And now I have my sister back as a best friend.

And then last night. I discovered that her voice lessons were free. And my piano lessons, were only $10/lesson. And that my dad who always told me I had to quit, always told everyone it was my choice, and how I was such a quitter.

I've been made to feel like a quitter my whole life. So much so, that I've believed it. So now I quit before I start. What if I fail? How can I possibly be as good as or better than any of the other artists, sports players, cooks, etc, etc?

And you know what? It's all bullshit. I don't need to be the best. I need to be doing something I love. And who cares what anything one else thinks or tells me? All I've ever wanted is to turn what I write into actual songs. To play them with friends. Perform them in public. For fun, to make myself happy. To hear my voice, let others hear my voice. It's art. It's music.

It's so weird how parenting can harm/scar/affect/change your child for life. And I'm realizing, that while I had a good relationship with my dad for two years, we had a horrible relationship my whole life. And I'm an adult now. So when someone's toxic, I can cut them out. And his whole family are liars and adulterers who rationalize everything away so nothing is their fault. I hate everything associated with my last name. And right now, I need a break. So I want to change my last name to my mom's maiden last name. Besides, I absolutely adore Sherlock. So Watson is very preferable to me haha.

I'm just...I'm tired of being made to feel like I have to choose. That to have my father's love, I have to hate my mother and agree with him on everything. I think he's wrong, he's in the wrong. There's two sides to every story, to every divorce. His isn't the only one, and I think he made more transgressions and on a far more hurtful scale. I shouldn't be forced to choose, or talk about this with my parents. But if I do, fine. Dad, you're toxic. Your family is toxic. And I don't want that association anymore. I don't lie. I don't cheat. And I always recognize when I've done something wrong and apologize. I don't force others to think as I do, nor do I belittle them when they disagree with me. I need and want my space from you and your family until you grow up and realize how your words and actions affect others. I won't bite my tongue or mouth platitudes to keep you in my life anymore. I can't.

So leave me be, and understand that for once, you're doing something wrong. I'm not delusional or causing drama. I'm just fed up with yours. So don't attack me constantly, just let me go.

And I already feel better for venting. Thank you blogosphere.

Quick Obsessions

I truly do have an addictive personality. I fall in love with different hobbies, or more like the idea of hobbies/careers, etc, all the time. I research and look at all of the ways to get involved and become amazingly awesome at them. I may even take a class or two. And then I get bored and move on. Well, not bored exactly, but my patience doesn't keep up with how fast internet buying is.

So I always know a little about a lot of things. But I never finish anything. Some find it endearing. I find it annoying and embarrassing, but like with everything else, I usually have flitted off to another circle of friends before anyone notices.

But with all of my spare time lately, I have stumbled onto all of these amazing fashion blogs that I adore. And the hair videos are actually doable for my hair. And then I wonder....could I ever learn to sew like that?

Almost all of my aunts sew. But I hate all of the things I've ever seen them make. And I just wonder...I can never find clothes that fit me. Everything always falls off of my shoulders, or is too tight on my bust, and then too long. Can't I just make all of my own things? But do places offer classes in learning to sew? Do you have to teach yourself?

What I wouldn't give to have my own apartment. And if I could follow through on the hobbies I want to do...it'd be the most adorable little place. I'd have my banjo and keyboard set up. And I'd finally be working on my music. And maybe a sewing machine in the corner, with my knitting nearby. And music would always be on. And always smelling of baked goods.

And...and...and..and....I'm daydreaming again and creating my own perfect little world.

However, I get pretty close to it when I block everyone else out and do everything on my own.

mmmmmmmm maybe I should get serious and write everything down and make a plan of attack. Be a grown up, make more things a reality.

mmmm, yesss, yesss (insert 'stache and chin stroking here)

Changes in Mindsets

Since my most recent breakup, I've gone through a series of changes of heart. I just no longer feel I have it in myself to keep dating. My mom says I'm too cynical and that I'll grow out of it. But I can't hide from the fact that every boyfriend I've had has cheated on me. And at this point, I have to wonder if it's me. Even though each relationship I've undergone different incarnations of myself.

And the last, I was more myself than ever. I didn't hide or change anything. I demanded time for myself, was my own person, and expected him to do the same. But I kept holding myself back. I thought I'd need to grow into the relationship and that the affection would come in due time. Everyone said he was a good guy. But I just couldn't make myself be attracted to him. He kept pushing for more and more of my affections, and wanting to be more serious when I said take it slow. And then he'd say I was right. But then he cheated all the same. And afterwards I realized, I just wasn't that into it. I wasn't attracted to him. He mainly annoyed me for always wanting me to take time from work to come visit him. He complained over everything in his life constantly. And I cannot stand pointless complaining. Either do something about it, or get over it. Either way, it's over and done with.

But I'm just not in the mood to keep dating. I just see where each relationship could go wrong. Their faults aren't enough for me to overlook. I don't want to take the time and expend my time and emotions, only for everything to come apart later. It's just not worth it. I want to keep focusing on myself. As long as I do that, everything keeps coming together. I expend any energy on someone else, and things fall apart.

I'm too selfish when I'm my own person. I'm tired of sacrificing myself, my feelings, my time, and my money on vapid, vain, and immature boys. I always end up more intelligent, with more jobs, let alone one, while they have none. What happened to men of old? Maturity, dignity, intelligence, careers? It's not my job to take care of anyone. I'm tired of making the men I date grow up, and then they move on. And when I won't take charge of their life for them, they leave me. Is that all I'm expected of now? No. And I'm just done. None are worth it. No caliber feels high enough now for me.

I'm putting my tax refund and the extra funds (hopefully as promised) will come from my dad in order to purchase a motorized scooter. Something paid off, so that my income can be focused on my debt and living costs. And with that, I'll have so much more freedom and independence. I can move out to my cousin's backhouse. Take myself to work and back. Bring my kitten home. And just enjoy living on my own again. I miss it so much. And I can't wait to get it back. Focus on school, and my little man.

Ha, everyone keeps mocking my choice in name for him. My mom keeps trying to call him Bert or Bertie. It really annoys me. But I love the name Bertrand. And he already responds to it. So it's not like I'm forcing it on him. And should he have been a girl, no one even liked Margot?!?! I mean...c'mon.....Sorry I love old-fashioned names. And ones of famous, historical people.

I'm just tired of people. Dealing with their drama, criticisms, quirks, etc. I just want to be on my own and live my own life. My mom keeps saying that my sister and I will one day find happiness and can give her grandbabies. I laugh and tell her that at this rate, she's delusional.