So, there's this girl I know. And she grew up dreaming of England and possibly going to school there because she loved the history so much. Shortly after he 24th birthday, she had the opportunity to go and visit her cousin there and had the most wonderful vacation. She decided to apply to go to university there.
As luck would have, she got into almost every school she applied to. She was worried about funding, but everyone assured her it would be no problem. So she relaxed and told everyone she was going rather than waiting to be sure everything would go through. As the clock ticked closer and closer, she discovered that she did not qualify for the loans on her own. And that there was no one to cosign the loans for her.
She realized that she would have to tell everyone she had gushed about her plans to. Humiliation became hers and sleeps next to her every night on her pillow.
Lucky for her, she is used to being Murphy's Law incarnate, and so while she is far more devastated than anyone, everyone else is far more shocked than she is. (side note of pride for herself: she has not cried about it in front of anyone, and only once alone on the day she found out.)
But the humiliation won't go away as she once again is confirmed as the girl who can never seem to follow through on anything.
That girl is me.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Women's Rights, Filibusters, and the Silence of Men.
After all of the events of today, I'm not gonna lie; I'm pretty damn disappointed in my male acquaintances/friends and facebook feed. There hasn't been a single mention on today's filibuster attempt over Texas' proposed new anti-abortion law. Which blows my mind since it blows up over every single political election, gay rights bill, anti-semitic incident, etc. And the only reasoning I can seem to get for it is women's rights are so little valued that hardly anyone even knows what is going on in Texas right now, or that women's rights are so little valued they don't care. To them it's just, "oh another anti-abortion law that women are freaking out about, old news; sides it doesn't affect me anyway so I don't care."
And that just makes it even worse. You don't have to be gay, black, or jewish to fight for their civil rights, but when it comes to women, most every man I know could care less because the issues don't affect them and therefore don't seem important.
So I'm just gonna back up and sketch you out an overview on what exactly this filibuster was fighting and what happened. Texas wants to pass a new anti-abortion law that makes it illegal to have an abortion after 20 weeks even if the woman has been raped. Christians are pushing this forward, and their reasoning for why it should be acceptable aside from religious grounds is that the fetus needs to be kept alive so its DNA can be used as evidence of the rape after it is born. So not only are the woman's rights being taken away while being raped, her government is now going to take away her rights by telling her she is an evidence locker and needs to keep that reminder inside her in order to prove her rape case. The rape kit, semen/DNA swabs are not enough. Oh wait, they completely forget that DNA can be taken from the fetus after the abortion is completed.
And don't even get me started on those male politicians trying to cover their ass by calling rape a "victimless crime," and saying that whether wanted or not, pleasure is had by both parties. Excuse me while I vomit.
Then we get into today's filibuster. Wendy Davis is our resident badass of the moment. Here's a basic definition pulled from the dictionary for those who don't know. Filibuster: a type of parliamentary procedure where debate is extended, allowing one or more members to delay or entirely prevent a vote on a given proposal. It is sometimes referred to as talking out a bill,[1] and characterized as a form of obstruction in a legislature or other decision-making body.
So when this happens, the speaker must speak, and only regarding specifically to the bill at hand, non stop for the length of the first session, without any break for water, food, restrooms, nor may they lean on the podium or have any support or rest from speaking. Now most men get away with breaking most of these rules and are able to still block the bill. The men today decided that she had to adhere to every single rule or would be forced to stop speaking. She wore pink tennis shoes, and wore a back brace to prevent her from leaning on anything and help support her back from lack of sitting or leaning. She had to speak for 13 hours. She was forced to stop speaking at 11 hours, not because she wasn't done, but because they forced her to stop. Saying that she had broken the rules by earlier wearing the back brace and straying from the topic. Even though technically, since the rules are all written using male pronouns, the rules don't legally apply to her.
After she was forced to stop speaking and removed from the room. The men started to vote and pass it. All of the women in the room started screaming in protest and I've read of reports of some arrests. It is currently unsure on whether or not they passed the bill or not. No one really knows what the heck is going on over there right now as it's pandemonium.
So...color me shocked when something this big is going on, and I can't find a single article on the front page of yahoo or anywhere on my social media sites other than on tumblr. Only The Huffington Post has an article on this. And makes no mention of what basically amounts to the riot happening inside though it was seen via the live feed streaming online. Who's being silenced? Who's being prevented from receiving accurate accounts of what's going on? Women. And you men. You may not care about our rights, but you always seem to care when the government is censoring your newsfeed.
And that just makes it even worse. You don't have to be gay, black, or jewish to fight for their civil rights, but when it comes to women, most every man I know could care less because the issues don't affect them and therefore don't seem important.
So I'm just gonna back up and sketch you out an overview on what exactly this filibuster was fighting and what happened. Texas wants to pass a new anti-abortion law that makes it illegal to have an abortion after 20 weeks even if the woman has been raped. Christians are pushing this forward, and their reasoning for why it should be acceptable aside from religious grounds is that the fetus needs to be kept alive so its DNA can be used as evidence of the rape after it is born. So not only are the woman's rights being taken away while being raped, her government is now going to take away her rights by telling her she is an evidence locker and needs to keep that reminder inside her in order to prove her rape case. The rape kit, semen/DNA swabs are not enough. Oh wait, they completely forget that DNA can be taken from the fetus after the abortion is completed.
And don't even get me started on those male politicians trying to cover their ass by calling rape a "victimless crime," and saying that whether wanted or not, pleasure is had by both parties. Excuse me while I vomit.
Then we get into today's filibuster. Wendy Davis is our resident badass of the moment. Here's a basic definition pulled from the dictionary for those who don't know. Filibuster: a type of parliamentary procedure where debate is extended, allowing one or more members to delay or entirely prevent a vote on a given proposal. It is sometimes referred to as talking out a bill,[1] and characterized as a form of obstruction in a legislature or other decision-making body.
So when this happens, the speaker must speak, and only regarding specifically to the bill at hand, non stop for the length of the first session, without any break for water, food, restrooms, nor may they lean on the podium or have any support or rest from speaking. Now most men get away with breaking most of these rules and are able to still block the bill. The men today decided that she had to adhere to every single rule or would be forced to stop speaking. She wore pink tennis shoes, and wore a back brace to prevent her from leaning on anything and help support her back from lack of sitting or leaning. She had to speak for 13 hours. She was forced to stop speaking at 11 hours, not because she wasn't done, but because they forced her to stop. Saying that she had broken the rules by earlier wearing the back brace and straying from the topic. Even though technically, since the rules are all written using male pronouns, the rules don't legally apply to her.
After she was forced to stop speaking and removed from the room. The men started to vote and pass it. All of the women in the room started screaming in protest and I've read of reports of some arrests. It is currently unsure on whether or not they passed the bill or not. No one really knows what the heck is going on over there right now as it's pandemonium.
So...color me shocked when something this big is going on, and I can't find a single article on the front page of yahoo or anywhere on my social media sites other than on tumblr. Only The Huffington Post has an article on this. And makes no mention of what basically amounts to the riot happening inside though it was seen via the live feed streaming online. Who's being silenced? Who's being prevented from receiving accurate accounts of what's going on? Women. And you men. You may not care about our rights, but you always seem to care when the government is censoring your newsfeed.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Sweetness
I never consider myself to be a sweet girl. I'm often rude and irreverent. I tend to not be very nice. At least in my opinion.
However, I've been told twice today that I am sweet.
The first by a woman thanking me for adjusting her sunglasses. She asked how much it would be, and I told her nothing but the truth. Nothing. For we don't charge for that. In fact, no optometry offices do. At least none I've worked at or been to. This prompted her to tell me that I am "just the sweetest." Doing the bare minimum of my job hardly qualifies me as sweet. But I smiled and thanked her nonetheless. Seems strange to think that to her, my not charging for a two minute adjustment deems me as sweet in her eyes.
The second time was as my favorite local hookah bar, from which I am currently typing from. My friend, or good acquaintance more like, is a waitress here. And randomly called me over to tell me that I am "so sweet." I asked her if she knew me at all in a joking manner.
She proceeded to tell me her reasoning was that I was the only one at my regular table she liked anymore. Because everyone else has been nothing but drama lately, and she would like nothing more than to just come to work and work. Not get wrapped up in their daily dramatics. And she enjoys me so much because I am never involved, nor do I start any. I just come in, say hi, and smoke my hookah and read, before taking my leave with a hug goodbye. Truthfully, I had no idea and sort of drama was going on at my table.
And as any introvert would, I sat back down and mulled this over, and found a completely different conclusion regarding myself; and it was not calling myself sweet.
I figure my business is my own, and everyone else's their own. If someone needs to talk, I listen and give my objective advice. But I am never really included in any group. We only ever say hi and bye. Maybe exchange a few pleasantries. But no one gossips with me, invites me to hang out with the group, invites me to their birthday gatherings, etc.
And while everyone else regards my knack for avoiding drama, which is deliberate; I also see the other side. I see it as lonely, and often downright hurtful. I don't seek anyone out, nor do they seek me out.
I don't necessarily want a drama-filled life, surrounded by cattiness. But I think it would be nice to be sought out as a friend. If only to get lunch and catch up. To feel like they care, and would really miss me when I'm gone; that they enjoy my company.
Then I remember that generally, people just exhaust me. And that for the most part, I truly enjoy flitting in and out of people's lives. Never getting sucked in or trapped in toxic relationships. Getting my fill of human interaction by occasionally observing from the sidelines before going home to my books, cat, and bed.
Maybe I just want too much from people and yet no longer want to give up myself. I just know it's one of those times I feel lonely over it but not regretful. It's just not in my personality. I am too independent and don't need or want people around all of the time.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Meanderings Of A Lost Mind
I think one of the worst feelings is trying to get over someone who was never really yours. You dream about them, think of them often, receive stabs of jealousy or sadness when their name pops up in conversation or on your news feed.
And then the biggest stab comes in when you remember that they were only yours for a few short days, so logically and according to anyone you could confide in (which you learned to stop doing years ago as your life only repeats itself), your feelings aren't even legitimate. How were you even with them long enough to develop feelings, you barely even know them. And so everything hurts even more.
Then you start in on the what-ifs. Because after all, a few days isn't long enough to know someone. Had it continued, it could have turned into an absolute nightmare like your last relationship. What if he was anorexic or abusive too? It could have just ended up being 7 of 7 unfaithful relationships. You have no idea of who that person really was, so why are you even sad? What do you really miss?
Do you miss the what-ifs of what a good relationship it could have been? The one relationship that proved all of the others wrong?
And then you realize that either way, you're still living in fairytale land. A land of what-ifs and make believe. Good or bad, it's still not real. And however you feel, it feels less and less legitimate. Day by day, week by week. You wish you could stop mulling it over. Just find something, anything else to focus on.
But it's hard to turn the focus when those few days quite literally had nothing wrong in them. And were the happiest you'd felt in years. And had to be snatched away by circumstances beyond your control.
And then you feel even more ridiculous by how melodramatic you sound to yourself. A "B movie actress" your first boyfriend called you in terms of how you speak. Spinning on and on, either in encouragement of others, or down into the ground on thoughts of yourself.
Why can't one thing, for once, be different and work out? Or just let you stop caring for good. All this feeling and empathy really never gets you anywhere.
Oh look, more melodrama. I just can't escape.
And then the biggest stab comes in when you remember that they were only yours for a few short days, so logically and according to anyone you could confide in (which you learned to stop doing years ago as your life only repeats itself), your feelings aren't even legitimate. How were you even with them long enough to develop feelings, you barely even know them. And so everything hurts even more.
Then you start in on the what-ifs. Because after all, a few days isn't long enough to know someone. Had it continued, it could have turned into an absolute nightmare like your last relationship. What if he was anorexic or abusive too? It could have just ended up being 7 of 7 unfaithful relationships. You have no idea of who that person really was, so why are you even sad? What do you really miss?
Do you miss the what-ifs of what a good relationship it could have been? The one relationship that proved all of the others wrong?
And then you realize that either way, you're still living in fairytale land. A land of what-ifs and make believe. Good or bad, it's still not real. And however you feel, it feels less and less legitimate. Day by day, week by week. You wish you could stop mulling it over. Just find something, anything else to focus on.
But it's hard to turn the focus when those few days quite literally had nothing wrong in them. And were the happiest you'd felt in years. And had to be snatched away by circumstances beyond your control.
And then you feel even more ridiculous by how melodramatic you sound to yourself. A "B movie actress" your first boyfriend called you in terms of how you speak. Spinning on and on, either in encouragement of others, or down into the ground on thoughts of yourself.
Why can't one thing, for once, be different and work out? Or just let you stop caring for good. All this feeling and empathy really never gets you anywhere.
Oh look, more melodrama. I just can't escape.
Monday, February 4, 2013
First Day With My Pixie
As you know from my previous post, I took the pixie plunge today. But I kinda felt the need to ramble on a bit on how this first day went. Specially as I didn't really go in at any length, but wanted to share before I forgot.
So I went to a salon recommended by a friend called Salon 5150 here in my hometown. I was too nervous so I barely slept and arrived 20 minutes early. I walked in about 10 minutes early and was greeted by both the receptionist and my stylist for the day, Brittney. She was super nice and we chatted a lot, but we also had some lengthy silences while she worked. Most who know me understand I'm not the best at small talk or speaking at all to those I don't know so it ended up being a perfect mix for me.
Apparently they give mini scalp massages while they wash your hair as well? Crazy...awesome. It felt like forever but I ended leaving about 11:20 when I walked in at 9:50. Not bad considering all the work she did.
It was weird. I know I have a lot of hair. But it's thin, fine, and naturally stick straight. She was the first person ever to call my hair thick in my entire life. And he joked that she could go on thinning it forever.
So I walked out feeling slightly off-balance but pretty confident. I came home ad waited for my mom to come home and to just see all of the comments I would get. I had prepared myself for weeks so I had an idea of what was coming.
My brother: Oh you decided you wanted to look like a boy? No stealing my suits now!
My mom's hurt me the most of all today though.
Mom: Hey boy girl
Me: -__-
Mom: I mean girl boy
Me: you don't have to be mean about it
Mom: I mean girly boy?
Me: ok now you're just being hurtful
Mom: no, i was being funny, you're just turning everything around
But later when I came home after the super bowl party I took my brother to at our hookah bar (and largely ignored) she told me that after watching me play with it and be animated, she feels that it actually suits my personality very well and is super cute. But I don't know what is the truth and what is a platitude.
Bad comments today:
Did you fall asleep next to a lawn mower?
Who's going to fuck you now?
You now look like the world's best mom (that one I have no idea what he meant by it, but no single, 23 yr old without children wants to be told that. Specially when you'd love to be married with kids, so that's more my own inner sadness mixed with the slight dig)
But everyone else said they loved it. My bestie said she was surprised on how it exceeded her expectations and looked better than she imagined. My cousin's husband said he wanted her to get my haircut he loved it so much.
So yeah, I still not used to it. One minute I love it, the next I feel like a pin head. But it has only been the first day. And the wildest hair cut I've ever done. Here's hoping my boss doesn't hate it hahaha.
Night bloggerland
So I went to a salon recommended by a friend called Salon 5150 here in my hometown. I was too nervous so I barely slept and arrived 20 minutes early. I walked in about 10 minutes early and was greeted by both the receptionist and my stylist for the day, Brittney. She was super nice and we chatted a lot, but we also had some lengthy silences while she worked. Most who know me understand I'm not the best at small talk or speaking at all to those I don't know so it ended up being a perfect mix for me.
Apparently they give mini scalp massages while they wash your hair as well? Crazy...awesome. It felt like forever but I ended leaving about 11:20 when I walked in at 9:50. Not bad considering all the work she did.
It was weird. I know I have a lot of hair. But it's thin, fine, and naturally stick straight. She was the first person ever to call my hair thick in my entire life. And he joked that she could go on thinning it forever.
So I walked out feeling slightly off-balance but pretty confident. I came home ad waited for my mom to come home and to just see all of the comments I would get. I had prepared myself for weeks so I had an idea of what was coming.
My brother: Oh you decided you wanted to look like a boy? No stealing my suits now!
My mom's hurt me the most of all today though.
Mom: Hey boy girl
Me: -__-
Mom: I mean girl boy
Me: you don't have to be mean about it
Mom: I mean girly boy?
Me: ok now you're just being hurtful
Mom: no, i was being funny, you're just turning everything around
But later when I came home after the super bowl party I took my brother to at our hookah bar (and largely ignored) she told me that after watching me play with it and be animated, she feels that it actually suits my personality very well and is super cute. But I don't know what is the truth and what is a platitude.
Bad comments today:
Did you fall asleep next to a lawn mower?
Who's going to fuck you now?
You now look like the world's best mom (that one I have no idea what he meant by it, but no single, 23 yr old without children wants to be told that. Specially when you'd love to be married with kids, so that's more my own inner sadness mixed with the slight dig)
But everyone else said they loved it. My bestie said she was surprised on how it exceeded her expectations and looked better than she imagined. My cousin's husband said he wanted her to get my haircut he loved it so much.
So yeah, I still not used to it. One minute I love it, the next I feel like a pin head. But it has only been the first day. And the wildest hair cut I've ever done. Here's hoping my boss doesn't hate it hahaha.
Night bloggerland
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Hair Evolution Over The Year
I went from continually growing my hair out to getting a perm, cutting and styling the perm, and today I took the pixie cut plunge. So enjoy!
Friday, January 4, 2013
I think I'm still hyperventilating
But I also think I just made what could possibly be the best (or at the very least extremely life-changing) decision I ever could for myself.
Whenever it comes to myself, I never do anything out of fear of the unknown. I'll drop everything for someone else. But only if I have to. Otherwise, I create my safe little nest. And I never go outside of it. Because I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of things going wrong. But I'm realizing, everything always has gone wrong. No matter my planning, or refusing to rock the boat. It all still goes wrong.
All these years, all I wanted to do was go to England. But then I would back out last minute and doing something different, and safer. Then I finally agreed to come visit. And I started saving money. What started as a month long trip, quickly changed to 3 weeks. Then 2 weeks.
7 months away from it, and I was terrified. Mainly over losing my job for taking such a long trip. Then because, why plan such a long trip when I could hate it. I've never left the country. I have no idea what it will be like.
But I do have an idea. I spend all of my time talking with my cousin and her husband. They basically do everything I do. Go to work, come home, get pissed at the bar. Switch out the bar for hookah, and nothing's changed. But...England also holds every landmark/historical site I want to see. And every single temptation that could bring me there. Every day, all day, stories of the places and things I want to do. The people they're going to introduce me to. And then they grab at my heart-strings. "What if we find you the perfect man, and you fall in love? Will you stay?"
Telling me that the guest room is mine as long as I want it, and getting to be with my cousin, one of my closest friends who knows me better than most anyone. Nope, that wasn't enough. They have to go and draw on every single girl's dream fed by rom-coms everywhere. Go away somewhere new and exotic, change your life forever, find the man of your dreams, live happily ever after. And it worked for my cousin, so why not me?
Aha, now you know why I started shortening the trip. And getting terrified. Yet also, saving more and more money and refusing to date anyone here. For the silly romantic reason of who knows over there. But the practical reason of not wanting to waste my trip consoling some poor schmuck with whom things will prolly never work out anyway that I am not cheating on him, nor would I ever, and of COURSE I miss him.
I was living and breathing total contradictions. And becoming an even greater caricature of the person whose life is on pause than I already was.
And I was terrified. And today...I finally cracked. My best friend and I were having a conversation. I was telling her all of the things we're planning for my trip and how silly I felt for putting this much excitement and hope into a silly little trip. And she cut me short. And told me I should do exactly what my cousin and her husband were telling me to do. I should buy a one-way ticket. Save as much as possible. If I come back after 2 weeks, I come back then. Otherwise, when else will I get or accept the opportunity for an experience or trip like this? Because she knows me. She knows, that I will chicken out of anything that scares me based on what-ifs.
She reminded me that I can't live out of fear that my life won't live up to other's adventures or accomplishments. Or out of the fear that my life will have the same disasters and mistakes. Because my life is different, and just that. My Life. She told me that she could be selfish and tell me to only go for 2 weeks and then come back and stay, but that she knows I'm so much greater than Orange County, California working in a little office that doesn't know how long it will survive. That I'm too young to already be chained to a desk and thinking I'll never find a job as good as this.
And so I started crying. And I realized that she's right. And this trip is everything I've ever wanted to do my whole life but told I couldn't. I wanted to take off and see the world. Starting there. And traveling around, playing music. Everything new, and scary, but filled with history and the unknown. Everything I live everyday in my books, but have been too scared of the reality society forces upon us to come crashing in and wrecking my dreams...that I just stopped letting myself have them.
And no matter what happens or how long I choose to stay....who cares? So maybe I last a month, or the full 6 months my visa allows. How much lifetime experience can I gain in that time? Your whole life can change in a second. So if everything goes wrong? I use the savings I still have left and have yet to earn before I get there and get my ticket home...But...what if everything works out? What if I manage to get a work visa and can work and live there? Or live out a fairy tale trip and get married? Whether everything works out or not, it doesn't matter. Otherwise I'll never get anywhere or get anything done.
Oh wait, I haven't gone anywhere or gotten anything done. Hmmmm...haha.
So I looked up one way flights. And I found a great price. And I transferred the money. And I bought it. And then I sat there in shock for about 5 minutes. Then I really freaked out that I did that. Then I assuaged myself that I could by a return ticket at anytime. Because it's only January! And I'm not going until April!! (C'mon, I over plan like crazy, I can save up tons of money to live off of and still have a plane ticket home by then)
I only planned to stay at this job for a year. Yet somehow, I started settling in for life. So sometime in February or March, I'll tell my boss that I have to leave. And I won't come back. Because I'm too young to have already given up on life. And it's about time I figured that out.
Whenever it comes to myself, I never do anything out of fear of the unknown. I'll drop everything for someone else. But only if I have to. Otherwise, I create my safe little nest. And I never go outside of it. Because I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of things going wrong. But I'm realizing, everything always has gone wrong. No matter my planning, or refusing to rock the boat. It all still goes wrong.
All these years, all I wanted to do was go to England. But then I would back out last minute and doing something different, and safer. Then I finally agreed to come visit. And I started saving money. What started as a month long trip, quickly changed to 3 weeks. Then 2 weeks.
7 months away from it, and I was terrified. Mainly over losing my job for taking such a long trip. Then because, why plan such a long trip when I could hate it. I've never left the country. I have no idea what it will be like.
But I do have an idea. I spend all of my time talking with my cousin and her husband. They basically do everything I do. Go to work, come home, get pissed at the bar. Switch out the bar for hookah, and nothing's changed. But...England also holds every landmark/historical site I want to see. And every single temptation that could bring me there. Every day, all day, stories of the places and things I want to do. The people they're going to introduce me to. And then they grab at my heart-strings. "What if we find you the perfect man, and you fall in love? Will you stay?"
Telling me that the guest room is mine as long as I want it, and getting to be with my cousin, one of my closest friends who knows me better than most anyone. Nope, that wasn't enough. They have to go and draw on every single girl's dream fed by rom-coms everywhere. Go away somewhere new and exotic, change your life forever, find the man of your dreams, live happily ever after. And it worked for my cousin, so why not me?
Aha, now you know why I started shortening the trip. And getting terrified. Yet also, saving more and more money and refusing to date anyone here. For the silly romantic reason of who knows over there. But the practical reason of not wanting to waste my trip consoling some poor schmuck with whom things will prolly never work out anyway that I am not cheating on him, nor would I ever, and of COURSE I miss him.
I was living and breathing total contradictions. And becoming an even greater caricature of the person whose life is on pause than I already was.
And I was terrified. And today...I finally cracked. My best friend and I were having a conversation. I was telling her all of the things we're planning for my trip and how silly I felt for putting this much excitement and hope into a silly little trip. And she cut me short. And told me I should do exactly what my cousin and her husband were telling me to do. I should buy a one-way ticket. Save as much as possible. If I come back after 2 weeks, I come back then. Otherwise, when else will I get or accept the opportunity for an experience or trip like this? Because she knows me. She knows, that I will chicken out of anything that scares me based on what-ifs.
She reminded me that I can't live out of fear that my life won't live up to other's adventures or accomplishments. Or out of the fear that my life will have the same disasters and mistakes. Because my life is different, and just that. My Life. She told me that she could be selfish and tell me to only go for 2 weeks and then come back and stay, but that she knows I'm so much greater than Orange County, California working in a little office that doesn't know how long it will survive. That I'm too young to already be chained to a desk and thinking I'll never find a job as good as this.
And so I started crying. And I realized that she's right. And this trip is everything I've ever wanted to do my whole life but told I couldn't. I wanted to take off and see the world. Starting there. And traveling around, playing music. Everything new, and scary, but filled with history and the unknown. Everything I live everyday in my books, but have been too scared of the reality society forces upon us to come crashing in and wrecking my dreams...that I just stopped letting myself have them.
And no matter what happens or how long I choose to stay....who cares? So maybe I last a month, or the full 6 months my visa allows. How much lifetime experience can I gain in that time? Your whole life can change in a second. So if everything goes wrong? I use the savings I still have left and have yet to earn before I get there and get my ticket home...But...what if everything works out? What if I manage to get a work visa and can work and live there? Or live out a fairy tale trip and get married? Whether everything works out or not, it doesn't matter. Otherwise I'll never get anywhere or get anything done.
Oh wait, I haven't gone anywhere or gotten anything done. Hmmmm...haha.
So I looked up one way flights. And I found a great price. And I transferred the money. And I bought it. And then I sat there in shock for about 5 minutes. Then I really freaked out that I did that. Then I assuaged myself that I could by a return ticket at anytime. Because it's only January! And I'm not going until April!! (C'mon, I over plan like crazy, I can save up tons of money to live off of and still have a plane ticket home by then)
I only planned to stay at this job for a year. Yet somehow, I started settling in for life. So sometime in February or March, I'll tell my boss that I have to leave. And I won't come back. Because I'm too young to have already given up on life. And it's about time I figured that out.
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