Since my most recent breakup, I've gone through a series of changes of heart. I just no longer feel I have it in myself to keep dating. My mom says I'm too cynical and that I'll grow out of it. But I can't hide from the fact that every boyfriend I've had has cheated on me. And at this point, I have to wonder if it's me. Even though each relationship I've undergone different incarnations of myself.
And the last, I was more myself than ever. I didn't hide or change anything. I demanded time for myself, was my own person, and expected him to do the same. But I kept holding myself back. I thought I'd need to grow into the relationship and that the affection would come in due time. Everyone said he was a good guy. But I just couldn't make myself be attracted to him. He kept pushing for more and more of my affections, and wanting to be more serious when I said take it slow. And then he'd say I was right. But then he cheated all the same. And afterwards I realized, I just wasn't that into it. I wasn't attracted to him. He mainly annoyed me for always wanting me to take time from work to come visit him. He complained over everything in his life constantly. And I cannot stand pointless complaining. Either do something about it, or get over it. Either way, it's over and done with.
But I'm just not in the mood to keep dating. I just see where each relationship could go wrong. Their faults aren't enough for me to overlook. I don't want to take the time and expend my time and emotions, only for everything to come apart later. It's just not worth it. I want to keep focusing on myself. As long as I do that, everything keeps coming together. I expend any energy on someone else, and things fall apart.
I'm too selfish when I'm my own person. I'm tired of sacrificing myself, my feelings, my time, and my money on vapid, vain, and immature boys. I always end up more intelligent, with more jobs, let alone one, while they have none. What happened to men of old? Maturity, dignity, intelligence, careers? It's not my job to take care of anyone. I'm tired of making the men I date grow up, and then they move on. And when I won't take charge of their life for them, they leave me. Is that all I'm expected of now? No. And I'm just done. None are worth it. No caliber feels high enough now for me.
I'm putting my tax refund and the extra funds (hopefully as promised) will come from my dad in order to purchase a motorized scooter. Something paid off, so that my income can be focused on my debt and living costs. And with that, I'll have so much more freedom and independence. I can move out to my cousin's backhouse. Take myself to work and back. Bring my kitten home. And just enjoy living on my own again. I miss it so much. And I can't wait to get it back. Focus on school, and my little man.
Ha, everyone keeps mocking my choice in name for him. My mom keeps trying to call him Bert or Bertie. It really annoys me. But I love the name Bertrand. And he already responds to it. So it's not like I'm forcing it on him. And should he have been a girl, no one even liked Margot?!?! I mean...c'mon.....Sorry I love old-fashioned names. And ones of famous, historical people.
I'm just tired of people. Dealing with their drama, criticisms, quirks, etc. I just want to be on my own and live my own life. My mom keeps saying that my sister and I will one day find happiness and can give her grandbabies. I laugh and tell her that at this rate, she's delusional.
