Finally have a chance to sit down as I head into my "weekend." So much has happened this past month, and I'm truly just so pleased about all of it. Ever since I started my medication, Seeing Dr. Hagan, and spending every ounce of free time with Missy and Charlotte...I'm finally feeling like I'm treading water and moving into happiness. This month has been such a relief. I went from crying every day for 9 months to not having cried once in a month.
Dr. Hagan is my counselor, therapist...whatever you want to call it. And she's just...lovely. She truly feels like a mother figure and I adore my Mondays with her. I just feel like she gets me. And I agree with a lot of what she says. She's one of the only people who's called me beautiful in my life and I actually believed it. I've always felt uncomfortable with it, and that it's something people feel like they have to say to all girls.
She gets that I'm crazy sensitive, but that I'm also very strong and independent. We've gotten to where we know what I need to do, but not how to enact it. I either always get completely lost in my emotions, or shut them off completely. So we're working on me finding that middle ground while also showing people that I can be vulnerable. And I've finally surrounded myself with the friends that will be there for me when I need them instead of leaving me alone.
It reminded me of the moment I knew I had to end my relationship. After finding out he had been cheating on me, and I was trying to decide if we should work through it or end it, we were having a huge fight (again) on how I needed him to be there for me. I needed him to be strong if I was going to even think of staying. And all he could say, with a panicked look, was, "But you're the strong one...you're always the strong one." And then proceeded to have a meltdown on how this must mean the end of everything...and in a way...it was.
I realized I had been acting as Atlas...and I couldn't do it anymore, I didn't want to. Talking this out with her, we came up with my new rules for dating, partly to ensure that I get treated properly in the future, but also to help prevent so much heartbreak on my end. To not get so invested/serious as quickly anymore. And if I follow all of these...I really feel like it will make me happy. They're rules from a day gone by, but they suit me. And as we all know, and I (and Dr. Hagan) agree, I was seriously born in the wrong era. (I totally would have been the perfect 1950s housewife.) But anyway, here they are:
1) A boy needs to make it clear in the beginning whether he's interested in a friendship or something more.
2) If interested, he will ask me on a real date. By phone call, not text. A week in advance, letting me know what the date will entail. He is to pick me up, pay, open doors, etc.
3) Any boy who texts me in the middle of the night will receive no response. I am not a booty call.
4) If asked out for something the day of, I am to respond I have plans, no need to tell them what they are.
5) I am to continue the dates for a few months before I ever let it get serious or exclusive. She also wants me to date more than one guy at a time in order to prevent getting too attached or serious too quickly. Especially if the boy does not reciprocate. The idea of seeing more than one guy at a time is an extremely hard pill to swallow for me and makes me feel very uncomfortable.
6) Never, ever stay or go back to a cheater. That will never change. And that is never okay.
Anyway, the gist of the whole idea is to demand right up front, the respect I deserve as a young woman. I totally agree that no one knows how to date anymore. It's all hanging out and hooking up. The boy never really respects her. He can be lazy, shoot her a text at any time. And the girl will show up. And after a few months, the boy wonders why he's bored; she wonders why the more she tries, the more he leaves her. Big, big mess. Lots of heartache.
So I am to demand to be treated like a young woman of interest, with respect, or I will be just a friend, and nothing more. Period.
"If you don't know your self worth, how will any young man know?" True, I agree with her there again too.
So I figure, what the heck. I agree with all of this. I never fully followed through on it, though it's how I always pictured and wanted to be treated. I was always afraid that no boy would ever do that, especially not on his own. I've never seen it done. No friend of mine has had that happen, that I know of at least. If a boy truly cares/likes me, he'll do this. Because he respects me. A better weeding out process you might say.
Sides, I am so sick of putting aside my wants and needs out of fear. Fear of being alone, of what others will say, or do. I'm refusing to live my life by fear anymore. I have my family. I have my best friend right down the street. And I have her daughter, my niece. So I'm not truly alone anyway. I'm not 'seeing' anyone now. And that's fine, no need to rush into that can of worms. I'm happy anyway. Truly.
As for being single, that's really something I'm okay with. I actually love having a lot of alone time. I don't need someone there every second. I have never understood why people feel the need to constantly have someone there. I know far too many people who will refuse to go out or do something if no one goes with them. No one wants to meet me for lunch, I go alone. I sit in the restaurant. I enjoy having a meal out, people watching, getting absorbed in my thoughts. No one wants to go to the movies with me? No big deal, I go anyway. I don't need someone holding my hand every two seconds.
All I've ever wanted, was someone who makes me happy, laugh, is happy to see me back. Who's there when I need them. Intelligence, musical inclination, and insane hotness are just bonuses. XD But anyway...yeah Iono...For the first time in a long time...I feel hopeful.
And so to lighten the mood, here's a random fact before I end this novel of a post: The best hot chocolate in the world, in my opinion, is 7-11's. Always has been. I adore getting my medium cup on the mornings I have crossing guard duty.
Welp, wish me luck in working my first Black Friday ever and in keeping to my rules. Toodaloo! <3
