Finally accepted something about myself the past few months. And I realized why I always tried to fight it so much. It would hurt my family so much. But it gets harder and harder to not tell them. I've always had a problem with churches and religion in general. I hate being in them. And I don't mind discussing religion and it's political fallouts. But I hate getting it forced on me. And it's never sat well as a lifestyle or belief system with me. I've tried out many religions. And it never changes. It's just not the place for me. I just don't agree with it. And I just know now that I really am an atheist.
And that's why I love my atheist friends. They never shove any belief system or their beliefs on you. I can just be me. No apologies, toning down, or guilt trips.
My mom just went to the temple (my family is Mormon) and got her endowments. My grandma came out and she and my sister took my mom. And as they were getting ready, my grandma kept going on about how I was next. And it hurt to not say anything. But it would have hurt more to tell her. And my therapist keeps talking to me about faith. And when I tried to explain how I felt about religion, she just kept saying that I would find it in time and it was a maturity thing. And it made me so upset. She also sees my best friend who is openly atheist. And has never once brought up the subject once to her. And my best friend was raised Mormon as well. And it really upsets me. I hate being treated that way or trying to be forced into belief systems just because I'm tolerant of people having their own.
So I keep feeling like I'm forced into being someone I'm not, instead of just letting it lie. And it hurts me so much. I often feel like it'll cause this huge fall-out and I'm just getting to have a good relationship with my family again. And I've always been the child who always tried to never disappoint.
And this year I've been really working on myself. Being myself. Not changing for boys or my family. But this is such a tricky issue. I'm sick of trying to get into religion to make a relationship work...it always ends up being an issue no one wants to compromise on.
I have never gotten that. And I just know more and more lately that relationships just don't seem to work if you don't agree on a spiritual basis. I wish I knew what to do. Missy said to just let it lie unless I'm asked directly...but all of these leading comments and questions are really getting to me. Maybe I shouldn't let it...iono
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
New Changes, New Rules
Finally have a chance to sit down as I head into my "weekend." So much has happened this past month, and I'm truly just so pleased about all of it. Ever since I started my medication, Seeing Dr. Hagan, and spending every ounce of free time with Missy and Charlotte...I'm finally feeling like I'm treading water and moving into happiness. This month has been such a relief. I went from crying every day for 9 months to not having cried once in a month.
Dr. Hagan is my counselor, therapist...whatever you want to call it. And she's just...lovely. She truly feels like a mother figure and I adore my Mondays with her. I just feel like she gets me. And I agree with a lot of what she says. She's one of the only people who's called me beautiful in my life and I actually believed it. I've always felt uncomfortable with it, and that it's something people feel like they have to say to all girls.
She gets that I'm crazy sensitive, but that I'm also very strong and independent. We've gotten to where we know what I need to do, but not how to enact it. I either always get completely lost in my emotions, or shut them off completely. So we're working on me finding that middle ground while also showing people that I can be vulnerable. And I've finally surrounded myself with the friends that will be there for me when I need them instead of leaving me alone.
It reminded me of the moment I knew I had to end my relationship. After finding out he had been cheating on me, and I was trying to decide if we should work through it or end it, we were having a huge fight (again) on how I needed him to be there for me. I needed him to be strong if I was going to even think of staying. And all he could say, with a panicked look, was, "But you're the strong one...you're always the strong one." And then proceeded to have a meltdown on how this must mean the end of everything...and in a way...it was.
I realized I had been acting as Atlas...and I couldn't do it anymore, I didn't want to. Talking this out with her, we came up with my new rules for dating, partly to ensure that I get treated properly in the future, but also to help prevent so much heartbreak on my end. To not get so invested/serious as quickly anymore. And if I follow all of these...I really feel like it will make me happy. They're rules from a day gone by, but they suit me. And as we all know, and I (and Dr. Hagan) agree, I was seriously born in the wrong era. (I totally would have been the perfect 1950s housewife.) But anyway, here they are:
1) A boy needs to make it clear in the beginning whether he's interested in a friendship or something more.
2) If interested, he will ask me on a real date. By phone call, not text. A week in advance, letting me know what the date will entail. He is to pick me up, pay, open doors, etc.
3) Any boy who texts me in the middle of the night will receive no response. I am not a booty call.
4) If asked out for something the day of, I am to respond I have plans, no need to tell them what they are.
5) I am to continue the dates for a few months before I ever let it get serious or exclusive. She also wants me to date more than one guy at a time in order to prevent getting too attached or serious too quickly. Especially if the boy does not reciprocate. The idea of seeing more than one guy at a time is an extremely hard pill to swallow for me and makes me feel very uncomfortable.
6) Never, ever stay or go back to a cheater. That will never change. And that is never okay.
Anyway, the gist of the whole idea is to demand right up front, the respect I deserve as a young woman. I totally agree that no one knows how to date anymore. It's all hanging out and hooking up. The boy never really respects her. He can be lazy, shoot her a text at any time. And the girl will show up. And after a few months, the boy wonders why he's bored; she wonders why the more she tries, the more he leaves her. Big, big mess. Lots of heartache.
So I am to demand to be treated like a young woman of interest, with respect, or I will be just a friend, and nothing more. Period.
"If you don't know your self worth, how will any young man know?" True, I agree with her there again too.
So I figure, what the heck. I agree with all of this. I never fully followed through on it, though it's how I always pictured and wanted to be treated. I was always afraid that no boy would ever do that, especially not on his own. I've never seen it done. No friend of mine has had that happen, that I know of at least. If a boy truly cares/likes me, he'll do this. Because he respects me. A better weeding out process you might say.
Sides, I am so sick of putting aside my wants and needs out of fear. Fear of being alone, of what others will say, or do. I'm refusing to live my life by fear anymore. I have my family. I have my best friend right down the street. And I have her daughter, my niece. So I'm not truly alone anyway. I'm not 'seeing' anyone now. And that's fine, no need to rush into that can of worms. I'm happy anyway. Truly.
As for being single, that's really something I'm okay with. I actually love having a lot of alone time. I don't need someone there every second. I have never understood why people feel the need to constantly have someone there. I know far too many people who will refuse to go out or do something if no one goes with them. No one wants to meet me for lunch, I go alone. I sit in the restaurant. I enjoy having a meal out, people watching, getting absorbed in my thoughts. No one wants to go to the movies with me? No big deal, I go anyway. I don't need someone holding my hand every two seconds.
All I've ever wanted, was someone who makes me happy, laugh, is happy to see me back. Who's there when I need them. Intelligence, musical inclination, and insane hotness are just bonuses. XD But anyway...yeah Iono...For the first time in a long time...I feel hopeful.
And so to lighten the mood, here's a random fact before I end this novel of a post: The best hot chocolate in the world, in my opinion, is 7-11's. Always has been. I adore getting my medium cup on the mornings I have crossing guard duty.
Welp, wish me luck in working my first Black Friday ever and in keeping to my rules. Toodaloo! <3
Dr. Hagan is my counselor, therapist...whatever you want to call it. And she's just...lovely. She truly feels like a mother figure and I adore my Mondays with her. I just feel like she gets me. And I agree with a lot of what she says. She's one of the only people who's called me beautiful in my life and I actually believed it. I've always felt uncomfortable with it, and that it's something people feel like they have to say to all girls.
She gets that I'm crazy sensitive, but that I'm also very strong and independent. We've gotten to where we know what I need to do, but not how to enact it. I either always get completely lost in my emotions, or shut them off completely. So we're working on me finding that middle ground while also showing people that I can be vulnerable. And I've finally surrounded myself with the friends that will be there for me when I need them instead of leaving me alone.
It reminded me of the moment I knew I had to end my relationship. After finding out he had been cheating on me, and I was trying to decide if we should work through it or end it, we were having a huge fight (again) on how I needed him to be there for me. I needed him to be strong if I was going to even think of staying. And all he could say, with a panicked look, was, "But you're the strong one...you're always the strong one." And then proceeded to have a meltdown on how this must mean the end of everything...and in a way...it was.
I realized I had been acting as Atlas...and I couldn't do it anymore, I didn't want to. Talking this out with her, we came up with my new rules for dating, partly to ensure that I get treated properly in the future, but also to help prevent so much heartbreak on my end. To not get so invested/serious as quickly anymore. And if I follow all of these...I really feel like it will make me happy. They're rules from a day gone by, but they suit me. And as we all know, and I (and Dr. Hagan) agree, I was seriously born in the wrong era. (I totally would have been the perfect 1950s housewife.) But anyway, here they are:
1) A boy needs to make it clear in the beginning whether he's interested in a friendship or something more.
2) If interested, he will ask me on a real date. By phone call, not text. A week in advance, letting me know what the date will entail. He is to pick me up, pay, open doors, etc.
3) Any boy who texts me in the middle of the night will receive no response. I am not a booty call.
4) If asked out for something the day of, I am to respond I have plans, no need to tell them what they are.
5) I am to continue the dates for a few months before I ever let it get serious or exclusive. She also wants me to date more than one guy at a time in order to prevent getting too attached or serious too quickly. Especially if the boy does not reciprocate. The idea of seeing more than one guy at a time is an extremely hard pill to swallow for me and makes me feel very uncomfortable.
6) Never, ever stay or go back to a cheater. That will never change. And that is never okay.
Anyway, the gist of the whole idea is to demand right up front, the respect I deserve as a young woman. I totally agree that no one knows how to date anymore. It's all hanging out and hooking up. The boy never really respects her. He can be lazy, shoot her a text at any time. And the girl will show up. And after a few months, the boy wonders why he's bored; she wonders why the more she tries, the more he leaves her. Big, big mess. Lots of heartache.
So I am to demand to be treated like a young woman of interest, with respect, or I will be just a friend, and nothing more. Period.
"If you don't know your self worth, how will any young man know?" True, I agree with her there again too.
So I figure, what the heck. I agree with all of this. I never fully followed through on it, though it's how I always pictured and wanted to be treated. I was always afraid that no boy would ever do that, especially not on his own. I've never seen it done. No friend of mine has had that happen, that I know of at least. If a boy truly cares/likes me, he'll do this. Because he respects me. A better weeding out process you might say.
Sides, I am so sick of putting aside my wants and needs out of fear. Fear of being alone, of what others will say, or do. I'm refusing to live my life by fear anymore. I have my family. I have my best friend right down the street. And I have her daughter, my niece. So I'm not truly alone anyway. I'm not 'seeing' anyone now. And that's fine, no need to rush into that can of worms. I'm happy anyway. Truly.
As for being single, that's really something I'm okay with. I actually love having a lot of alone time. I don't need someone there every second. I have never understood why people feel the need to constantly have someone there. I know far too many people who will refuse to go out or do something if no one goes with them. No one wants to meet me for lunch, I go alone. I sit in the restaurant. I enjoy having a meal out, people watching, getting absorbed in my thoughts. No one wants to go to the movies with me? No big deal, I go anyway. I don't need someone holding my hand every two seconds.
All I've ever wanted, was someone who makes me happy, laugh, is happy to see me back. Who's there when I need them. Intelligence, musical inclination, and insane hotness are just bonuses. XD But anyway...yeah Iono...For the first time in a long time...I feel hopeful.
And so to lighten the mood, here's a random fact before I end this novel of a post: The best hot chocolate in the world, in my opinion, is 7-11's. Always has been. I adore getting my medium cup on the mornings I have crossing guard duty.
Welp, wish me luck in working my first Black Friday ever and in keeping to my rules. Toodaloo! <3
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Opera Midterm
I'd never been so excited to go on campus for a test before. Prolly because I haven't been on campus for over a year, let alone for a class I truly enjoy. And while I'm at it, Cypress Campus was just lovely. The Fine Arts building was four stories tall and I had fun just walking the floors. In one room I saw a woman working on a statue, and another I listened in on a vocal jazz ensemble while the corridors were filled with architect students sketching things out.
I spent most of my day in the library as it was just lovely there. Plenty of corrals to plug things into, and lots of big poofy chairs to plop down into with a good book. I made use of both. XD
Now, I'm determined to get an amazing grade, not like it's hard. But I just adore my teacher from the messages she posts in our online discussions, and I wanted to make a good impression. However, I don't study. I feel that anytime I've tried in the past, it psyched me out and I bombed the exams. My idea is, pay attention throughout the course, and when it comes to the test, you should already know the material. So the only studying I did was listening to the arias over and over (big chore there, I know). However, I did worry slightly over whether I would remember the dates of the composers, and all those tiny details that should be on a midterm worth 300 points.
If only I'd known, I could have saved myself all the worry. Only 50 multiple choice questions, 20 of which went to the listening portion. We no longer had to list the composer, opera, song title, characters, voice classification, and what was taking place on stage. Now we only had to name the opera, composer, and song title from the m.c. questions. And all of the rest? Just the most base definitions, no timelines, details.
All our teacher wanted to do was feed us cookies (I had two :D) and talk about opera and how she became a music major and came to teach there. She's beyond adorable.
She gave us an example of what she wants us to get from the class: I want you to one day be driving along with people in the car, skipping radio stations. And to pause on the classical channel, KMozart or something, and be able to say, "Hey, I know this selection. It's blah blah blah blah." And to have your passenger sigh and reply, "That's culture." (Told you, adorable)
I realized how much I adore being on a college campus, spending my whole day there, sitting in on lectures...just feeling as though my day is worth something. That I'm bettering myself and my mind. And I enjoy my music classes more than any others, the best part is the music history. I love learning about it, hearing all the little juicy back stories.
I'm so excited to map out my next semester. They actually have a music composition class at Cypress. And I only need 9 more music credits and a couple more GEs and I can transfer out. So close!! Getting somewhere in my schooling is my ticket to making myself better, healing my mind.
I've never done that. I've always sat around waiting for some man to come along and fix my pain. And then when he couldn't or didn't want to, I threw a big fit, and then waited for the next to come around. It's time to grow up. My immaturity and bad habits ruined the best thing in my life. And if I ever want that back...I need to do some major work on myself.
Focusing on work and school is the first step. No more quitting just because I feel like it. It's time to stick my ground and do what's right. Whether I want to sleep in, or skip off to hang out with someone instead. No more.
Tomorrow is my next step. Therapy/counseling never fixed any of my issues. Talking to a wall does nothing. Hopefully tomorrow after my appointment, I'll join the ranks of the few, the proud, the medicated. (I'm so proud of that lil joke, you have NO idea) I've never been able to control my moods or emotions. I need to reach stasis for once. And learn to let the petty things go. To just be myself, without getting so anxious I'll mess up, I get so focused on being perfect or that I'll be too much that I freak out and mess things up anyway.
I've reached the all-time rock bottom in my life. And I need to fix this mess. For myself this time. I miss him terribly. Here's to a year of celibacy and focusing solely on myself and my education. I hope the gamble works. If not, at least i'll have a blank slate. I just really hope no one pushes me into anything. I really just feel I need to be alone. I don't want anyone else. I need to work on me, he needs to work on himself. That was our deal. I'm sick of treating everything like it's replaceable and doesn't matter. It's stupid and childish. It's time to be serious. I'm not 17 anymore, there are consequences to dropping out of school, dropping friends like flies because they'll be there when I feel like being a friend again.
It's childish to get so self-obsorbed and upset I stop eating or sleeping and start fainting all over the place. (I'm still working on that :/) I need to be healthy and centered. I don't want to be a zombie or a wet blanket anymore. I used to be funny, witty, present. So wish me luck. I'm so nervous about my appointment tomorrow. Gah! At least I can count on my grades right now.
I spent most of my day in the library as it was just lovely there. Plenty of corrals to plug things into, and lots of big poofy chairs to plop down into with a good book. I made use of both. XD
Now, I'm determined to get an amazing grade, not like it's hard. But I just adore my teacher from the messages she posts in our online discussions, and I wanted to make a good impression. However, I don't study. I feel that anytime I've tried in the past, it psyched me out and I bombed the exams. My idea is, pay attention throughout the course, and when it comes to the test, you should already know the material. So the only studying I did was listening to the arias over and over (big chore there, I know). However, I did worry slightly over whether I would remember the dates of the composers, and all those tiny details that should be on a midterm worth 300 points.
If only I'd known, I could have saved myself all the worry. Only 50 multiple choice questions, 20 of which went to the listening portion. We no longer had to list the composer, opera, song title, characters, voice classification, and what was taking place on stage. Now we only had to name the opera, composer, and song title from the m.c. questions. And all of the rest? Just the most base definitions, no timelines, details.
All our teacher wanted to do was feed us cookies (I had two :D) and talk about opera and how she became a music major and came to teach there. She's beyond adorable.
She gave us an example of what she wants us to get from the class: I want you to one day be driving along with people in the car, skipping radio stations. And to pause on the classical channel, KMozart or something, and be able to say, "Hey, I know this selection. It's blah blah blah blah." And to have your passenger sigh and reply, "That's culture." (Told you, adorable)
I realized how much I adore being on a college campus, spending my whole day there, sitting in on lectures...just feeling as though my day is worth something. That I'm bettering myself and my mind. And I enjoy my music classes more than any others, the best part is the music history. I love learning about it, hearing all the little juicy back stories.
I'm so excited to map out my next semester. They actually have a music composition class at Cypress. And I only need 9 more music credits and a couple more GEs and I can transfer out. So close!! Getting somewhere in my schooling is my ticket to making myself better, healing my mind.
I've never done that. I've always sat around waiting for some man to come along and fix my pain. And then when he couldn't or didn't want to, I threw a big fit, and then waited for the next to come around. It's time to grow up. My immaturity and bad habits ruined the best thing in my life. And if I ever want that back...I need to do some major work on myself.
Focusing on work and school is the first step. No more quitting just because I feel like it. It's time to stick my ground and do what's right. Whether I want to sleep in, or skip off to hang out with someone instead. No more.
Tomorrow is my next step. Therapy/counseling never fixed any of my issues. Talking to a wall does nothing. Hopefully tomorrow after my appointment, I'll join the ranks of the few, the proud, the medicated. (I'm so proud of that lil joke, you have NO idea) I've never been able to control my moods or emotions. I need to reach stasis for once. And learn to let the petty things go. To just be myself, without getting so anxious I'll mess up, I get so focused on being perfect or that I'll be too much that I freak out and mess things up anyway.
I've reached the all-time rock bottom in my life. And I need to fix this mess. For myself this time. I miss him terribly. Here's to a year of celibacy and focusing solely on myself and my education. I hope the gamble works. If not, at least i'll have a blank slate. I just really hope no one pushes me into anything. I really just feel I need to be alone. I don't want anyone else. I need to work on me, he needs to work on himself. That was our deal. I'm sick of treating everything like it's replaceable and doesn't matter. It's stupid and childish. It's time to be serious. I'm not 17 anymore, there are consequences to dropping out of school, dropping friends like flies because they'll be there when I feel like being a friend again.
It's childish to get so self-obsorbed and upset I stop eating or sleeping and start fainting all over the place. (I'm still working on that :/) I need to be healthy and centered. I don't want to be a zombie or a wet blanket anymore. I used to be funny, witty, present. So wish me luck. I'm so nervous about my appointment tomorrow. Gah! At least I can count on my grades right now.
Monday, August 1, 2011
What Will It Mean?
I am now the fool you always intended me to be
I was raised to believe I deserved better than this
But now that I see what I’ve swallowed and believed
I’m starting to think I wanted to earn the right to wear these scars
If I let these scars heal,
Will it mean I can be hurt like this again?
If I fall in love, if I move on
Will it erase the lessons I think I’ve learned?
Will he even mean as much as he should to me?
Your light-fingered contempt for my heart and my trust
Has me questioning how much I valued them anyway
Time after time, I let you whisk away all my values and fears
You’d think a girl would have learned by now
If I let these scars heal,
Will it mean I can be hurt like this again?
If I fall in love, if I move on
Will it erase the lessons I think I’ve learned?
Will he even mean as much as he should to me?
When he smiled at me as we passed today
I felt a warmth on my soul I thought I’d forgotten
But before I can present my heart again
I just wish I knew the answer to these questions
If I let these scars heal,
Will it mean I can be hurt like this again?
If I fall in love, if I move on
Will it erase the lessons I think I’ve learned?
Will he even mean as much as he should to me?
~Tara Vrsalovich (February 2010)
I was raised to believe I deserved better than this
But now that I see what I’ve swallowed and believed
I’m starting to think I wanted to earn the right to wear these scars
If I let these scars heal,
Will it mean I can be hurt like this again?
If I fall in love, if I move on
Will it erase the lessons I think I’ve learned?
Will he even mean as much as he should to me?
Your light-fingered contempt for my heart and my trust
Has me questioning how much I valued them anyway
Time after time, I let you whisk away all my values and fears
You’d think a girl would have learned by now
If I let these scars heal,
Will it mean I can be hurt like this again?
If I fall in love, if I move on
Will it erase the lessons I think I’ve learned?
Will he even mean as much as he should to me?
When he smiled at me as we passed today
I felt a warmth on my soul I thought I’d forgotten
But before I can present my heart again
I just wish I knew the answer to these questions
If I let these scars heal,
Will it mean I can be hurt like this again?
If I fall in love, if I move on
Will it erase the lessons I think I’ve learned?
Will he even mean as much as he should to me?
~Tara Vrsalovich (February 2010)
Holding Sunlight In Your Eyes
Like the planets to the sun
Gravity draws me to your eyes
So please turn around bright eyes
Shine your light on me
You hold sunlight in your eyes
While I hold the moonlight
I can only see in silver
But with you I can see the gold
I don't need any rainbows
I have your gravity, drawing me ever closer
So please turn around bright eyes
Shine your light on me
You hold sunlight in your eyes
While I hold the moonlight
Please don't turn away
I need your eyes to stay in orbit
This can't be too much to ask for
I only need your sunlight
The moon is meant to chase after the sun
Slow down your chariot Apollo
And let me hold the sun too
I promise I won't let go
So please turn around bright eyes
Shine your light on me
You hold sunlight in your eyes
While I hold the moonlight
~Tara Vrsalovich (June 2010)
Gravity draws me to your eyes
So please turn around bright eyes
Shine your light on me
You hold sunlight in your eyes
While I hold the moonlight
I can only see in silver
But with you I can see the gold
I don't need any rainbows
I have your gravity, drawing me ever closer
So please turn around bright eyes
Shine your light on me
You hold sunlight in your eyes
While I hold the moonlight
Please don't turn away
I need your eyes to stay in orbit
This can't be too much to ask for
I only need your sunlight
The moon is meant to chase after the sun
Slow down your chariot Apollo
And let me hold the sun too
I promise I won't let go
So please turn around bright eyes
Shine your light on me
You hold sunlight in your eyes
While I hold the moonlight
~Tara Vrsalovich (June 2010)
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
My Personality Profile-INFJ
Portrait of an INFJ - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
(Introverted Intuition with Extraverted Feeling)
The Protector
As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.
INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.
INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.
INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get “feelings” about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.
But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people’s feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.
Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people’s opinions. They believe that they’re right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there’s always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don’t often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don’t believe in compromising their ideals.
INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.
In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.
The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.
(Introverted Intuition with Extraverted Feeling)
The Protector
As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.
INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.
INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.
INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get “feelings” about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.
But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people’s feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.
Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people’s opinions. They believe that they’re right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there’s always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don’t often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don’t believe in compromising their ideals.
INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.
In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.
The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Isn't This Wonderful?
Everyone asks me if I miss California and the people there. And then I get stuff like this, which I received today:
"Hey Tara...
I just need you to know something... No matter how had you try, or what your feelings are, EVEN what you choose to say from this point on.. I cannot convey the joy of knowing that when I park at my best friend's place there is a guarantee that you will NOT be there. The only enhancement to that breathe of fresh air would be if for some reason, the country decided to deport you to a place where no one ever has to hear or pay attention to any of the words or expressions that come from you. *sigh of relief* You are not missed, and stay away as long as you possibly can.
All the best,
Oh, and PS, hard*, breath*... See? Your presence is unessecary on every level imaginable"
And my response is automatically, "No. No, I don't." I know I'm stupid for letting this get to me. But it hit my biggest fear on my best friends back home hating me and being glad I'm not there. Right on the nose. BAM. I did my best, I didn't respond. I ignored it. But I need to have this to look at. To remind myself why I left. I need this when I feel vulnerable to give me the strength to be strong. I need to take this and make myself stronger. Turn it around into something better.
I just hope I can, instead of letting it control me whenever I think of home. I can do it, I know I can. Besides, I have Alex. He loves me. He will always be there. And at the end of the day, as long as he loves me and takes care of me, I'll always be okay. There's no better support system than him for me.
Do I really have to move back to California?
It's my biggest fear that I am meaningless, whether to those I know, the world, my family, whatever. I know no one reads or knows about my blogs and sites. But if I didn't have them, I wouldn't be trying. I'm constantly terrified that everyone I care about will come up to me and tell me that they don't care what I have to say. That I don't matter. I feel like I spend my whole life trying to prove my worth to someone, something.
I know I'm bitchy, a grammar nazi, overbearing, cold. I'm so tired of constantly keeping a stoic face on, constantly saying, no you don't affect me, nothing anyone says touches any part of me. Because otherwise "it gives them power over me." I'm so tired of trying to believe that's true. Can't there be a middle road between constantly protesting any criticism to always pretending like it never happened?
But here's my thing...why is everything a constant power struggle? "Don't let them have power over you." If I can admit that some words hurt me, but I can get over it...if I can let people see that I'm not heartless, cold, untouchable...and I'm okay with people seeing that...how does that make me weaker? How does that give someone power over me?
I know I have a voice...I just wish it meant something...was worth something...
"Hey Tara...
I just need you to know something... No matter how had you try, or what your feelings are, EVEN what you choose to say from this point on.. I cannot convey the joy of knowing that when I park at my best friend's place there is a guarantee that you will NOT be there. The only enhancement to that breathe of fresh air would be if for some reason, the country decided to deport you to a place where no one ever has to hear or pay attention to any of the words or expressions that come from you. *sigh of relief* You are not missed, and stay away as long as you possibly can.
All the best,
Oh, and PS, hard*, breath*... See? Your presence is unessecary on every level imaginable"
And my response is automatically, "No. No, I don't." I know I'm stupid for letting this get to me. But it hit my biggest fear on my best friends back home hating me and being glad I'm not there. Right on the nose. BAM. I did my best, I didn't respond. I ignored it. But I need to have this to look at. To remind myself why I left. I need this when I feel vulnerable to give me the strength to be strong. I need to take this and make myself stronger. Turn it around into something better.
I just hope I can, instead of letting it control me whenever I think of home. I can do it, I know I can. Besides, I have Alex. He loves me. He will always be there. And at the end of the day, as long as he loves me and takes care of me, I'll always be okay. There's no better support system than him for me.
Do I really have to move back to California?
It's my biggest fear that I am meaningless, whether to those I know, the world, my family, whatever. I know no one reads or knows about my blogs and sites. But if I didn't have them, I wouldn't be trying. I'm constantly terrified that everyone I care about will come up to me and tell me that they don't care what I have to say. That I don't matter. I feel like I spend my whole life trying to prove my worth to someone, something.
I know I'm bitchy, a grammar nazi, overbearing, cold. I'm so tired of constantly keeping a stoic face on, constantly saying, no you don't affect me, nothing anyone says touches any part of me. Because otherwise "it gives them power over me." I'm so tired of trying to believe that's true. Can't there be a middle road between constantly protesting any criticism to always pretending like it never happened?
But here's my thing...why is everything a constant power struggle? "Don't let them have power over you." If I can admit that some words hurt me, but I can get over it...if I can let people see that I'm not heartless, cold, untouchable...and I'm okay with people seeing that...how does that make me weaker? How does that give someone power over me?
I know I have a voice...I just wish it meant something...was worth something...
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Internet Failure
I must fail at interwebbing. What's the point of having a blog, twitter, tumblr, or facebook when you have zero followers, feedback, replies, etc, etc. Nights like these, I feel as though I should just quit.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Superstitions, Hits of Nostalgia, and Lack of Employment
I've had plenty of time to write, but haven't. I'd love to explain the absence due to the whole moving across country bit and trying to settle in. But in reality, I'm a crazy slacker and when everything falls apart you don't want anyone to know.
I thought moving out a house of smokers would make the constant draining down the back of my throat go away. But it hasn't. Then I got an actual cold, and it now comes and goes as it pleases. Therefore it's crazy annoying. And then I remember I was trying to be a grown-up and outgrow my superstitions by leaving the guardian angel of health Betsy gave to me.
I'm not prone to normal superstitions, but she gave me that angel when I was in the hospital in 2007. And since then, regularly gave me little guardian angels. I don't particularly like angels at all actually. But that angel stuck with me. I always kept it on my desk. And became convinced it would keep my in good health. And from then on out, whenever I got a cold, sick, or any health related issue, I'd tear in to check my angel. And, what wonderful way to reinforce bad behaviors, she would either be knocked over or had a layer of dust covering her. And somehow I convinced myself that I would need to upright her, dust her off, and I would magically get healthier.
Ridiculous, I know. So when I moved in December, I decided that enough was enough. I was going to take responsibility for myself, and not blame hoodoo. And now of course, I'm wishing she was here so I could dust her off. I just know that somehow she got covered in dust inside her box in that attic. Whatever shall we do with me? ;)
I've never really been one to miss my family. And rarely ever my parents. But the past few weeks, I've really missed my mother. And all over the smallest of happenstances. Trading Places came on the TV (and I rarely ever even turn it on), and waves of nostalgia hit me. My mom introduced that movie to me, we both always loved it. We'd always yell to each other when it came on and would stop what we were doing to watch it and fold laundry during commercial breaks. And then I missed tons of other movies I grew up watching with her. Which in turn, caused me to miss her and our idiosyncratic rituals even more.
Who knew a divorce would bring me even closer to her and love and appreciate her even more. We became more emotionally dependent on each other these past few months, though more independent in our actions. We make the same jokes, are just as cynical. So when I go out, I hear exactly what quips she'd make. And how she loved my comebacks as we evaluated the people we saw.
Things are even harder as I moved expecting a job waiting for me. And then I came and it wasn't here. A month of phone-tag, and I tattle-taled to HR. And a week later, the process has been fixed and we're halfway there...but still waiting for these managers to get themselves together. But that's a month of not working and depleting my finances. And add in so many more bills I've never had to pay for before.
I flew into a frenzy of job applications and stalking craigslist for new things. I desperately pray to Jupiter that something comes through. I wake up every morning feeling utterly worthless. Just a parasite on the life of my boyfriend, when I should have been an addition and a help. And I know this was his biggest worry, and he's terrified of my becoming that. He constantly tells me that as long as I'm trying as hard as I can to work and find work, he'll support me and we'll be okay.
But that is so hard for me to swallow. Codependence emotionally is hard enough for me. I have lived so much of my life shutting off all emotion so that nothing ever bothered me really. But now to be open to him, everything else hurts so much more than it normally would. I feel like a child again. Constantly crying, over-sensitive. I can't stand it. It doesn't feel like me anymore. But to then add this in, I'm now completely dependent. And it GALLS me. I disgust myself every morning. I feel like there's no point in waking up because I have nothing to look forward to other than my Alex coming home to me. But if I have no good news for him, why would he want to come home to me?
I want to have something to offer. Instead I shut down to keep the hurt out, which in turn hurts us. Every which way I turn, hurts us, destroys yet something else. I'm always on tenterhooks. I miss truly sleeping, instead of spurts of restless dozing.
I just want to work. I was made to be a workaholic. I want to come home knowing I made money, I did my share, that I too have stories to share. I'm used to working 2 or 3 jobs, even when I didn't need one. To know I could contribute. To know, I could cover going out or staying in. That I was not dependent on others for my livelihood.
I don't understand what so hard about them covering their end of the bargain. They had reassured me every day that everything would click right into place and I needn't worry. But here we are.
Please, please, please...Jupiter....I just want to work.
Now you see why I was avoiding updating, haha.
I thought moving out a house of smokers would make the constant draining down the back of my throat go away. But it hasn't. Then I got an actual cold, and it now comes and goes as it pleases. Therefore it's crazy annoying. And then I remember I was trying to be a grown-up and outgrow my superstitions by leaving the guardian angel of health Betsy gave to me.
I'm not prone to normal superstitions, but she gave me that angel when I was in the hospital in 2007. And since then, regularly gave me little guardian angels. I don't particularly like angels at all actually. But that angel stuck with me. I always kept it on my desk. And became convinced it would keep my in good health. And from then on out, whenever I got a cold, sick, or any health related issue, I'd tear in to check my angel. And, what wonderful way to reinforce bad behaviors, she would either be knocked over or had a layer of dust covering her. And somehow I convinced myself that I would need to upright her, dust her off, and I would magically get healthier.
Ridiculous, I know. So when I moved in December, I decided that enough was enough. I was going to take responsibility for myself, and not blame hoodoo. And now of course, I'm wishing she was here so I could dust her off. I just know that somehow she got covered in dust inside her box in that attic. Whatever shall we do with me? ;)
I've never really been one to miss my family. And rarely ever my parents. But the past few weeks, I've really missed my mother. And all over the smallest of happenstances. Trading Places came on the TV (and I rarely ever even turn it on), and waves of nostalgia hit me. My mom introduced that movie to me, we both always loved it. We'd always yell to each other when it came on and would stop what we were doing to watch it and fold laundry during commercial breaks. And then I missed tons of other movies I grew up watching with her. Which in turn, caused me to miss her and our idiosyncratic rituals even more.
Who knew a divorce would bring me even closer to her and love and appreciate her even more. We became more emotionally dependent on each other these past few months, though more independent in our actions. We make the same jokes, are just as cynical. So when I go out, I hear exactly what quips she'd make. And how she loved my comebacks as we evaluated the people we saw.
Things are even harder as I moved expecting a job waiting for me. And then I came and it wasn't here. A month of phone-tag, and I tattle-taled to HR. And a week later, the process has been fixed and we're halfway there...but still waiting for these managers to get themselves together. But that's a month of not working and depleting my finances. And add in so many more bills I've never had to pay for before.
I flew into a frenzy of job applications and stalking craigslist for new things. I desperately pray to Jupiter that something comes through. I wake up every morning feeling utterly worthless. Just a parasite on the life of my boyfriend, when I should have been an addition and a help. And I know this was his biggest worry, and he's terrified of my becoming that. He constantly tells me that as long as I'm trying as hard as I can to work and find work, he'll support me and we'll be okay.
But that is so hard for me to swallow. Codependence emotionally is hard enough for me. I have lived so much of my life shutting off all emotion so that nothing ever bothered me really. But now to be open to him, everything else hurts so much more than it normally would. I feel like a child again. Constantly crying, over-sensitive. I can't stand it. It doesn't feel like me anymore. But to then add this in, I'm now completely dependent. And it GALLS me. I disgust myself every morning. I feel like there's no point in waking up because I have nothing to look forward to other than my Alex coming home to me. But if I have no good news for him, why would he want to come home to me?
I want to have something to offer. Instead I shut down to keep the hurt out, which in turn hurts us. Every which way I turn, hurts us, destroys yet something else. I'm always on tenterhooks. I miss truly sleeping, instead of spurts of restless dozing.
I just want to work. I was made to be a workaholic. I want to come home knowing I made money, I did my share, that I too have stories to share. I'm used to working 2 or 3 jobs, even when I didn't need one. To know I could contribute. To know, I could cover going out or staying in. That I was not dependent on others for my livelihood.
I don't understand what so hard about them covering their end of the bargain. They had reassured me every day that everything would click right into place and I needn't worry. But here we are.
Please, please, please...Jupiter....I just want to work.
Now you see why I was avoiding updating, haha.
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