Connections Lead To Epiphanies.

So I heard this song on the radio the other day, and at first I just thought it was pretty. So I looked it up and was reading the lyrics and listening to it once again. And it just connected with me so intensely and reminded me of what happened very early this summer.

Before I forget, here's the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM

So change the fact that in hindsight I knew I didn't really love my ex, I had just thought it would never get any better. Yeah...I really had some issues I know. But anyway, early this summer I was starting to regularly talk to the one who I now get to call mine (and by the by, he supercedes any expectations or dreams I've ever had, so all for the better) and one day, I'm feeling positively dapper and enjoying a post-school afternoon. I finally felt I had my life together and was living for myself, and felt completely confident and comfortable in my shoes.

And then my phone started going off. I looked and it was a number I didn't know. I asked who it was, and he responded with his name. I froze and just stared at my phone. And then it kept going off, and finally it was just the phone calls over and over and over. Finally I answered as coldly as possible and listened to his explanation before telling him that when I tell someone that when I say never contact me again, I mean it. And that I no longer loved him and wished no further relationship, platonic or not. And he had the nerve to once again tell me that he still loved me and would always keep a part of him waiting. I laughed and hung up.

Then I changed my phone number that night and double checked that he was blocked on everything. But the audacity in his requests after everything that had happened left me in such a huge shock. And I got so scared and felt so unsafe, I actually stopped talking to my dearheart on purpose for a few weeks until I made sure what I was feeling was real. I became terrified of it happening all over again or if I was becoming a heartless creature.

Yes, I know now, that reading this prolly makes it seem as though I could be faulty...but the truth is, everything happens for a reason. I kinda think I was made for this man (SUCH a girl I know XD) and everything that's ever happened I needed to make me strong enough for him and to be able to understand him, his thought processes, how he views things, what he values, etc.

Everyone wonders how we never met earlier. But truthfully, had I met him when he joined the group, my being 17 and his 19ish....We would have never worked. I know how I was then, and it was severely damaged and therefore using anyone in my path. And I know he wouldn't have been ready either.

We had to grow up a lot and work through our issues. But now...we're so great. He understands me so well and finds it weird that I call him knowing something's wrong. And I can just feel....I support him, but I'm not a crutch to him. We just...complement each other so well.

I'm so happy I've come so far and am strong enough and sure enough of myself to give him all of myself while not losing myself in it or breaking from the pressure.

Maybe this blog went too far round about and didn't stay with the topic I started at but....eh....I write for myself and wherever the flow takes me.

Oh how I love my books

This page never ceases to send me into paroxysms of laughter.

"That night, I told my family about Pete Zabriski. Of course, they greeted the news of this impending date with deep satisfaction. They liked nothing better than an opportunity to exercise their mob wit on the innocent and undeserving.

"You are gonna straighten your hair?" James asked me at dinner that night. He'd been chewing real slowly, kind of staring at me, leaning his cheek in one hand. It was not the kind of remark I felt bound to answer.

Charlie, thoughtful as always, warned me, "He might want to kiss you." My mother has never allowed us to say "shut up" at the dinner table. I smiled at Charlie and batted my eyes.

"Leave her alone, you guys," my dad said. "Yupi'll get her nervous, and then she'll sweat, and then she'll never get married."

"I can't believe you said that." I glared at him. My own father.

He smiled at me sweetly. "I'm just concerned about your future, honey," he said.

"All right," my mother said. "Knock it off. How often does the girl go out that you should embarrass her like this." My mother too.

"You are envious," I said, "because someone handsome and good-looking-- unusual traits around here thanks to our genetic drawbacks--wants the benefit of my company. A young man who is cultured, no less." I held up a hand, silencing James, who was-no doubt- about to ask if we were talking salmonella or streptococcus. "He plays the French horn."

Charlie raised his eyebrows. "He must-" he said, leaning forward over the table and looking very sober"-have great lips."

This was, of course, considered just incredibly humorous. I considered turning the table over on all of them. I settled for pointed silence.

"I can see up your nostrils," James said.

Charming, and so appropriate at dinner.

"As it happens," I said primly, shaking out my napkin and placing it carefully onto my lap, "I haven't even told him, yet, that I would go." I looked up, daring anybody to say anything. Evidently, I was looking a little dangerous. I smiled. "It's so nice to have the family altogether," I said."

-The Only Alien On The Planet by Kristen D. Randle

I LOVE it heh heh...

Boyfriend's families and board games

I was being driven home tonight from a spontaneous beach day by a friend and this memory slammed into my head like a freight train as we drove past South Coast Plaza.

I had gone out to LA with my now ex-fiance to meet his family back when we had first started dating. It was seriously about a week into the whole ordeal. Anywho, I remember that they had talked me into playing the tile form of Rummy. I had warned him that I get extremely competitive and could not be faulted for anything that occurs. Well I kept helping him out and not screwing him over because I am nice to whoever I'm dating for some-odd reason.

He kept screwing me over. It got to the point that I lost my temper and slapped him across the face and yelled, "Fucker!" He really was being a douche though, even his grandfather reprimanded him for it. And he can barely speak English.

But it just reminded me why I always sit out on any kind of game, especially board games. I get so competitive and ruthless. However, I'm always down for card games. Total card shark over here.

So needless to say, I made a great first impression. And yes, the whole family eventually hated me. But for different reasons that happened later. XD...still strange though...The first and only family of a boy that has disliked me.

Oh and if you're wondering how on earth South Coast Plaza triggered this memory, it's because we drove back to his apartment in Costa Mesa afterwards and were stuck in traffic right next to it for about an hour.

My dog Remy

I named my puggle Remy. However, I never really explain his name to anyone. For most anyone I know will ask, "Oh like that guy Remy from high school?" or "Like the character from that Sarah Dessen Book?" So I just say yeah I just like the name and let it lie at that.

However, last night, one of my good friends Jordan met my puppy for the first time. I'm just going to say flat out that I love my comic nerd friends more than my other friends. Well he's playing with Remy for a bit and then as we walk out to the car he asks me this.

"Remy, like Remy Lebeau?"

I just stare at him in shock.

"You know...Gambit's real name...from X-Men?"

"I know...it's just....no one ever guesses that....Gambit is my favorite character from X-Men."

"Well you have good taste...and why is it that everytime we hang out I find out something new about you? Specially after all these years."

I truly love my friends. And I guess, I just never really share anything about myself. Everything is just a constant witty repartee. Because it's fun...and usually whenever I try and share something, a lot of people don't get it.

But for now...I am happy...and dying to watch old X-Men cartoons.

A Brilliant Idea

I was driving home from my counseling appointment at school today when this scathingly brilliant idea hit me. I want to open a combination karaoke/frozen yogurt shop. I want to collaborate with RuPaul and name it: Lip Synch Froyo Life. It'd be amazingly drag friendly. It'd be a wonderful to earn college tuition money and to pay off my bills.

So now...how do I approach him. I think he'd love it, the idea is so outrageous it has to be done. But how to approach him? I must ponder this a bit more ;)

Swingsets

We tore around them as a child

Who knew they’d have so much meaning

I never knew how innocent we were then

But I knew once I looked in your eyes

How your kiss would feel

Like

Jumpin’ off the swings in the moonlight

That sweet rush of childhood freedom

I can taste it in your breath

As it rolls off your lips

Your kiss

I still go by there every day

That your memory might remain

Even though you’ve never been here

I feel you everywhere

That feeling of…

Jumpin’ off the swings in the moonlight

That sweet rush of childhood freedom

I can taste it in your breath

As it rolls off your lips

Your kiss

I didn’t know I could feel that innocent

We may never meet again

But I wish I could in some way repay you

To somehow thank you for this feeling