But I also think I just made what could possibly be the best (or at the very least extremely life-changing) decision I ever could for myself.
Whenever it comes to myself, I never do anything out of fear of the unknown. I'll drop everything for someone else. But only if I have to. Otherwise, I create my safe little nest. And I never go outside of it. Because I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of things going wrong. But I'm realizing, everything always has gone wrong. No matter my planning, or refusing to rock the boat. It all still goes wrong.
All these years, all I wanted to do was go to England. But then I would back out last minute and doing something different, and safer. Then I finally agreed to come visit. And I started saving money. What started as a month long trip, quickly changed to 3 weeks. Then 2 weeks.
7 months away from it, and I was terrified. Mainly over losing my job for taking such a long trip. Then because, why plan such a long trip when I could hate it. I've never left the country. I have no idea what it will be like.
But I do have an idea. I spend all of my time talking with my cousin and her husband. They basically do everything I do. Go to work, come home, get pissed at the bar. Switch out the bar for hookah, and nothing's changed. But...England also holds every landmark/historical site I want to see. And every single temptation that could bring me there. Every day, all day, stories of the places and things I want to do. The people they're going to introduce me to. And then they grab at my heart-strings. "What if we find you the perfect man, and you fall in love? Will you stay?"
Telling me that the guest room is mine as long as I want it, and getting to be with my cousin, one of my closest friends who knows me better than most anyone. Nope, that wasn't enough. They have to go and draw on every single girl's dream fed by rom-coms everywhere. Go away somewhere new and exotic, change your life forever, find the man of your dreams, live happily ever after. And it worked for my cousin, so why not me?
Aha, now you know why I started shortening the trip. And getting terrified. Yet also, saving more and more money and refusing to date anyone here. For the silly romantic reason of who knows over there. But the practical reason of not wanting to waste my trip consoling some poor schmuck with whom things will prolly never work out anyway that I am not cheating on him, nor would I ever, and of COURSE I miss him.
I was living and breathing total contradictions. And becoming an even greater caricature of the person whose life is on pause than I already was.
And I was terrified. And today...I finally cracked. My best friend and I were having a conversation. I was telling her all of the things we're planning for my trip and how silly I felt for putting this much excitement and hope into a silly little trip. And she cut me short. And told me I should do exactly what my cousin and her husband were telling me to do. I should buy a one-way ticket. Save as much as possible. If I come back after 2 weeks, I come back then. Otherwise, when else will I get or accept the opportunity for an experience or trip like this? Because she knows me. She knows, that I will chicken out of anything that scares me based on what-ifs.
She reminded me that I can't live out of fear that my life won't live up to other's adventures or accomplishments. Or out of the fear that my life will have the same disasters and mistakes. Because my life is different, and just that. My Life. She told me that she could be selfish and tell me to only go for 2 weeks and then come back and stay, but that she knows I'm so much greater than Orange County, California working in a little office that doesn't know how long it will survive. That I'm too young to already be chained to a desk and thinking I'll never find a job as good as this.
And so I started crying. And I realized that she's right. And this trip is everything I've ever wanted to do my whole life but told I couldn't. I wanted to take off and see the world. Starting there. And traveling around, playing music. Everything new, and scary, but filled with history and the unknown. Everything I live everyday in my books, but have been too scared of the reality society forces upon us to come crashing in and wrecking my dreams...that I just stopped letting myself have them.
And no matter what happens or how long I choose to stay....who cares? So maybe I last a month, or the full 6 months my visa allows. How much lifetime experience can I gain in that time? Your whole life can change in a second. So if everything goes wrong? I use the savings I still have left and have yet to earn before I get there and get my ticket home...But...what if everything works out? What if I manage to get a work visa and can work and live there? Or live out a fairy tale trip and get married? Whether everything works out or not, it doesn't matter. Otherwise I'll never get anywhere or get anything done.
Oh wait, I haven't gone anywhere or gotten anything done. Hmmmm...haha.
So I looked up one way flights. And I found a great price. And I transferred the money. And I bought it. And then I sat there in shock for about 5 minutes. Then I really freaked out that I did that. Then I assuaged myself that I could by a return ticket at anytime. Because it's only January! And I'm not going until April!! (C'mon, I over plan like crazy, I can save up tons of money to live off of and still have a plane ticket home by then)
I only planned to stay at this job for a year. Yet somehow, I started settling in for life. So sometime in February or March, I'll tell my boss that I have to leave. And I won't come back. Because I'm too young to have already given up on life. And it's about time I figured that out.
