Everyone asks me if I miss California and the people there. And then I get stuff like this, which I received today:
"Hey Tara...
I just need you to know something... No matter how had you try, or what your feelings are, EVEN what you choose to say from this point on.. I cannot convey the joy of knowing that when I park at my best friend's place there is a guarantee that you will NOT be there. The only enhancement to that breathe of fresh air would be if for some reason, the country decided to deport you to a place where no one ever has to hear or pay attention to any of the words or expressions that come from you. *sigh of relief* You are not missed, and stay away as long as you possibly can.
All the best,
Oh, and PS, hard*, breath*... See? Your presence is unessecary on every level imaginable"
And my response is automatically, "No. No, I don't." I know I'm stupid for letting this get to me. But it hit my biggest fear on my best friends back home hating me and being glad I'm not there. Right on the nose. BAM. I did my best, I didn't respond. I ignored it. But I need to have this to look at. To remind myself why I left. I need this when I feel vulnerable to give me the strength to be strong. I need to take this and make myself stronger. Turn it around into something better.
I just hope I can, instead of letting it control me whenever I think of home. I can do it, I know I can. Besides, I have Alex. He loves me. He will always be there. And at the end of the day, as long as he loves me and takes care of me, I'll always be okay. There's no better support system than him for me.
Do I really have to move back to California?
It's my biggest fear that I am meaningless, whether to those I know, the world, my family, whatever. I know no one reads or knows about my blogs and sites. But if I didn't have them, I wouldn't be trying. I'm constantly terrified that everyone I care about will come up to me and tell me that they don't care what I have to say. That I don't matter. I feel like I spend my whole life trying to prove my worth to someone, something.
I know I'm bitchy, a grammar nazi, overbearing, cold. I'm so tired of constantly keeping a stoic face on, constantly saying, no you don't affect me, nothing anyone says touches any part of me. Because otherwise "it gives them power over me." I'm so tired of trying to believe that's true. Can't there be a middle road between constantly protesting any criticism to always pretending like it never happened?
But here's my thing...why is everything a constant power struggle? "Don't let them have power over you." If I can admit that some words hurt me, but I can get over it...if I can let people see that I'm not heartless, cold, untouchable...and I'm okay with people seeing that...how does that make me weaker? How does that give someone power over me?
I know I have a voice...I just wish it meant something...was worth something...
I love hearing/reading your voice. The greatest joy from family I've had these last couple years has been the opportunity and pleasure to grow closer to you. It made me cry from sheer love the first time you asked to visit me (actually, I still do, every time I think about it or when I'd head out to go get you--ask my old roommate, I would dance around the house all happy and silly-like thinking about it), and I hope to visit you or have you visit again. I miss you. I wish you were here, or I was there to say this in person. California is a big place. Returning there doesn't mean returning to people who would go out of their way to say something like that. I mean, really, what a hateful thing to say. It hurt me just to read it, knowing it was sent to someone I love and care about. If you want to talk to me, gimme a call.
ReplyDeletePS: I don't think you're weak for admitting you were hurt.