Secrets :/

Finally accepted something about myself the past few months. And I realized why I always tried to fight it so much. It would hurt my family so much. But it gets harder and harder to not tell them. I've always had a problem with churches and religion in general. I hate being in them. And I don't mind discussing religion and it's political fallouts. But I hate getting it forced on me. And it's never sat well as a lifestyle or belief system with me. I've tried out many religions. And it never changes. It's just not the place for me. I just don't agree with it. And I just know now that I really am an atheist.

And that's why I love my atheist friends. They never shove any belief system or their beliefs on you. I can just be me. No apologies, toning down, or guilt trips.

My mom just went to the temple (my family is Mormon) and got her endowments. My grandma came out and she and my sister took my mom. And as they were getting ready, my grandma kept going on about how I was next. And it hurt to not say anything. But it would have hurt more to tell her. And my therapist keeps talking to me about faith. And when I tried to explain how I felt about religion, she just kept saying that I would find it in time and it was a maturity thing. And it made me so upset. She also sees my best friend who is openly atheist. And has never once brought up the subject once to her. And my best friend was raised Mormon as well. And it really upsets me. I hate being treated that way or trying to be forced into belief systems just because I'm tolerant of people having their own.

So I keep feeling like I'm forced into being someone I'm not, instead of just letting it lie. And it hurts me so much. I often feel like it'll cause this huge fall-out and I'm just getting to have a good relationship with my family again. And I've always been the child who always tried to never disappoint.

And this year I've been really working on myself. Being myself. Not changing for boys or my family. But this is such a tricky issue. I'm sick of trying to get into religion to make a relationship work...it always ends up being an issue no one wants to compromise on.

I have never gotten that. And I just know more and more lately that relationships just don't seem to work if you don't agree on a spiritual basis. I wish I knew what to do. Missy said to just let it lie unless I'm asked directly...but all of these leading comments and questions are really getting to me. Maybe I shouldn't let it...iono