Need to remove things from my mind so I can think again

I've been holding on to so much anger lately, and I need to vent and let it all out. It's unhealthy. And so I need to disassociate from those things for now, get as much space as possible. My environment and those whom I associate with affect my sanity far too much. And when things become too toxic to bear, I have to let go.

I've tried for so long to swallow my thoughts and feelings to try and preserve a relationship with my father throughout this divorce. But he makes it so hard and I'm just so angry now I can't even begin to be truly articulate right now. I just want to HULK SMASH all over my keyboard.

I truly believe that divorces are harder on adult children than younger. Mainly because I think they're handled differently. When children are young, they don't fully understand what's going on, and the parents generally try to shield them from most of the drama of what's going on.

But as an adult child of divorce, and as the child who discovered the nude pictures and horrible texts of my dad's affair...I knew exactly what was going on. And because you usually know what's going on, and because you are able to form an opinion with some weight behind it now, 1 or more of your parents tries to make you side with them. And then you're torn, well I hate what's happening, I disagree with what they're doing, but if I don't pretend to at least be neutral, will I lose that parent?

Granted, I always thought my parents were toxic for each other and should get a divorce. But fidelity is a very strongly held belief for me. The cheating kills me. And it killed my mom. Every boyfriend I've had has cheated on me. So it hit further home than it really should have. The only way it was a blessing is that it finally gave my mom and I a real bond where we shared our emotions for once and started to really talk.

The problem, is that to this day, my father still believes he's done nothing wrong. He keeps rationalizing everything away, so that he is in the right, and my mom is horrible. "There's no good or perfect way to go about divorce!" Just because you want a divorce, it doesn't mean that adultery is the way to get what you want. Exert some sort of self-control. And then he furthers it by telling me to honor my father and mother. Don't tout one commandment close to your heart and throw it in my face constantly when you ignore so many others. Thou shalt not covet? Not commit adultery? Not lie? Oh and I'm an atheist. So don't guilt me into subservience. You have to earn my respect before I'll ever show you any.

The further along this divorce goes, I respect my Grandma Sugars more and more. And my mother as well for how much she has grown and changed and tried to emulate my grandmother on how to interact with us. She tries to be there for us and leave her personal feelings behind. She does her best to not talk about my dad in a negative light. And we both know she's not perfect, but she tries so hard. And I can see it.

Every single conversation I have with my dad, he won't let up. Just constant barbs on how my mom is a horrible person, she ruined his life, she's toxic, incapable of love. And I tell him over and over to stop it. That if he won't stop, I won't talk to him. If I say I'm having a bad day online, he texts me asking if my mom is being a bitch again. And it drives me crazy. How can you drag your children into this? And if I dare to side with my mom on anything or say he's wrong, he'll cut me off for a few weeks. These mind games need to stop.

I thought the final straw was a few weeks ago. He went off on how he wants to put my brother in a home. And it broke my heart. And made me wonder if that was the real reason why my brother never wants to talk to him anymore or go visit him. My father even looked up places in California and Washington. My brother may be regressing, but it's because his world was taken from him. And he's lonely. So all the work we put into making him social, is going away. He doesn't know how to handle it and so he retreats to his video games and his room. That doesn't mean you shut him away in a home! That's the worst thing for him. He needs to be brought out of his, have more time spent with him doing fun things. If you put him away, take him from everyone and everything he loves, will kill him. It's just telling him that no one loves or wants him.

But that's my dad. If there's a problem, you don't deal with or fix it. You yell at everyone, blame everyone but yourself, and then hide from it.

So yeah, I take my handicapped brother out late at night to hookah bars and parks to play Hot Lava Monster. Not everyone thinks it's best. But I don't think hookah is killing him. He likes it, even says he likes how it calms him down and makes it easier to sleep at night. It's not illegal, he's over 18. And guess what, it makes him feel like an adult. He gets to hang out with big sis and her friends doing grown up things. It's everything he wants. And at the hookah bars, he can be loud, shout at the sports games with the other guys, sing to the music, or dance around, everyone's loud. He's not told to be quiet, sit in the corner, stop being so noticeable. And whenever I take him out, it's noticeable for a few days. He's happier, gets along better, actually does his chores.

And so after that, I told my dad that if he was only going to talk badly about my mother or how he wants to send my brother to a home, that he needed to not talk to me. And of course, I got cussed out over it. You'd think that'd be a slap in the face of hey, you're doing something wrong, fix it or you'll lose her. Nope, I'm the one who's being too serious, the one with the problem.

And then I just keep finding out more things. And what hurt the most, was I was always told growing up that I had to quit piano, baseball, dance, everything; because we had to pay for my sister's voice lessons. And that she was more important, she had the talent, and I wasn't going to get far in that area. Just get good grades and be a doctor. My sister and I were hired to sing for a reception. We were to both have solos and a few duets. My dad told me I could only have one duet with my sister, and that I couldn't have any solos because I would mess up. It still hurts me so badly.

Funnily enough, that day, I didn't make a single mistake, while my sister (whom I love to distraction) had to restart a song 4 times as she had forgotten the words.

But all of that made me resent my sister for years. We were constantly pitted against one another, and I felt so overshadowed and like I wasn't given a chance. Anytime I wanted anything, I was forced to quit to pay for her success. It was until I was 21 that we discussed everything and realized it was our doing, and that we truly loved and supported each other and our respective talents. And now I have my sister back as a best friend.

And then last night. I discovered that her voice lessons were free. And my piano lessons, were only $10/lesson. And that my dad who always told me I had to quit, always told everyone it was my choice, and how I was such a quitter.

I've been made to feel like a quitter my whole life. So much so, that I've believed it. So now I quit before I start. What if I fail? How can I possibly be as good as or better than any of the other artists, sports players, cooks, etc, etc?

And you know what? It's all bullshit. I don't need to be the best. I need to be doing something I love. And who cares what anything one else thinks or tells me? All I've ever wanted is to turn what I write into actual songs. To play them with friends. Perform them in public. For fun, to make myself happy. To hear my voice, let others hear my voice. It's art. It's music.

It's so weird how parenting can harm/scar/affect/change your child for life. And I'm realizing, that while I had a good relationship with my dad for two years, we had a horrible relationship my whole life. And I'm an adult now. So when someone's toxic, I can cut them out. And his whole family are liars and adulterers who rationalize everything away so nothing is their fault. I hate everything associated with my last name. And right now, I need a break. So I want to change my last name to my mom's maiden last name. Besides, I absolutely adore Sherlock. So Watson is very preferable to me haha.

I'm just...I'm tired of being made to feel like I have to choose. That to have my father's love, I have to hate my mother and agree with him on everything. I think he's wrong, he's in the wrong. There's two sides to every story, to every divorce. His isn't the only one, and I think he made more transgressions and on a far more hurtful scale. I shouldn't be forced to choose, or talk about this with my parents. But if I do, fine. Dad, you're toxic. Your family is toxic. And I don't want that association anymore. I don't lie. I don't cheat. And I always recognize when I've done something wrong and apologize. I don't force others to think as I do, nor do I belittle them when they disagree with me. I need and want my space from you and your family until you grow up and realize how your words and actions affect others. I won't bite my tongue or mouth platitudes to keep you in my life anymore. I can't.

So leave me be, and understand that for once, you're doing something wrong. I'm not delusional or causing drama. I'm just fed up with yours. So don't attack me constantly, just let me go.

And I already feel better for venting. Thank you blogosphere.