Meanderings Of A Lost Mind

I think one of the worst feelings is trying to get over someone who was never really yours. You dream about them, think of them often, receive stabs of jealousy or sadness when their name pops up in conversation or on your news feed.

And then the biggest stab comes in when you remember that they were only yours for a few short days, so logically and according to anyone you could confide in (which you learned to stop doing years ago as your life only repeats itself), your feelings aren't even legitimate. How were you even with them long enough to develop feelings, you barely even know them. And so everything hurts even more.

Then you start in on the what-ifs. Because after all, a few days isn't long enough to know someone. Had it continued, it could have turned into an absolute nightmare like your last relationship. What if he was anorexic or abusive too? It could have just ended up being 7 of 7 unfaithful relationships. You have no idea of who that person really was, so why are you even sad? What do you really miss?

Do you miss the what-ifs of what a good relationship it could have been? The one relationship that proved all of the others wrong?

And then you realize that either way, you're still living in fairytale land. A land of what-ifs and make believe. Good or bad, it's still not real. And however you feel, it feels less and less legitimate. Day by day, week by week. You wish you could stop mulling it over. Just find something, anything else to focus on.

But it's hard to turn the focus when those few days quite literally had nothing wrong in them. And were the happiest you'd felt in years. And had to be snatched away by circumstances beyond your control.

And then you feel even more ridiculous by how melodramatic you sound to yourself. A "B movie actress" your first boyfriend called you in terms of how you speak. Spinning on and on, either in encouragement of others, or down into the ground on thoughts of yourself.

Why can't one thing, for once, be different and work out? Or just let you stop caring for good. All this feeling and empathy really never gets you anywhere.

Oh look, more melodrama. I just can't escape.